I feel so bad for ignoring this for a while. Again... lots of things happened.... and yet again, I hardly have the time to do this. Haha.
Talked with cell group about being open and vulnerable and the meaning of cell group and why.
Remembered the beauty of God's promises through song at church. You Hold Me Now, by Hillsong. Beautiful.
Received another of God's blessings in a sort of earthly fashion... ? And still trying to remember to put my heart in a state of proper thanksgiving and praise.
Lost a ton of motivation for final exams (tomorrow! ack!).
But this is for devotion, and here is my heart and mind for God today:
I read some Genesis again, but I don't think I want to think too deeply in these chapters right now. Save that for later.
Here is a verse that touched my heart:
2 Corinthians 3
4 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
This. Just this. As stated before, that song by Hillsong... just meditating on what it means to know that our sufficiency is from God. The things I burden myself with, the worries and struggles and the things I fill my time with.... God is more than sufficient for all these things. To meditate on his grace and through the outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
I can't say that I.... ugh how do I put this.... think too heavily, perhaps, about the Holy Spirit. The Spirit is rather something that I acknowledge as part of the Trinity and God and then... kinda say okay cool. And life goes on as I pray to Jesus, worship God's name.
Sometimes the things people say about the Holy Spirit sounds a little too.... iono... hokey. Like the experiences people profess as the Holy Spirit working could just be a crazy emotion, or an overly active imagination, or that you want it so badly you think it's true.
I believe in the Spirit's powers... but I don't think I believe that every time someone says it was the Spirit... it actually was. Or is it? Ugh, but God works in many different ways, so maybe? I'm confusing myself. Not the right night for that >.<
Regardless... I found myself in a welling of emotion from the song and the beauty and grace of God and just wah. Maybe it is the Holy Spirit reminding me what it means like to love love love
instead of this apathetic, complacent soul.
I don't know.
But our sufficiency is from God and God alone. That is what I remind myself of now.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Return
Um. Yes.
A lot of things have happened recently and I definitely have been mia for a while. Thanksgiving, some interviews, a conference, work, people dating, people talking..... life, really.
I don't really know where to start really, haha. Except maybe just stating plainly and admitting to myself that I have been drowning myself in self pity lately. It's the idea that I don't know if I can face God and the Word and Truth that tells me to live the right way, the right path because I keep on failing and hating the things I do, the way I am at times.
It's easier to wallow in shame and self pity and despair than to reach out and grab onto God's truth, even though it's so readily there for me.
I've tried writing a couple of posts, but they turned into half written drafts that never seemed to get to the point.
But... it's better now?
Whatever. Back to devotionals. It's a super busy week (last week of school), but this is important. This is important.
James 1.
All of it.
Lovely.
So many verses speak to me here, especially 22 that states "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."
A sharp reminder to myself that the things I write down and think about are not enough. It has be true change, not something that stops for a little while and then moves on, like a bus passing through a bus stop. Specific things, like being slow to speak, slow to anger - I can't just acknowledge that as truth as well as my sins and then not attempt for change.
There are so many times I "know what is right" and then I brush it off because, oh just this once, or mrk it's not completely applicable here, or whatever I'll do as I please.
This is just a reminder to submit my life to God, including my words and my actions - not merely my thoughts.
God holds my future in his hands right now. He gives, and he takes away. But I will always say, blessed be His name.
---
Here is a thought I had: Why is it that we praise God or thank Him for blessing in our lives - and generally those blessings are things that could be considered 'worldly'?
Do we count our blessings in things of the world?
During Thanksgiving, saying my thanks and counting my blessings... I felt many of mine were praises of things I could earn through "human merit".
Do I still put my desires in things of this world?
What are things "not of this world"?
I need to do more research and reading.
But this is just on my mind....
A lot of things have happened recently and I definitely have been mia for a while. Thanksgiving, some interviews, a conference, work, people dating, people talking..... life, really.
I don't really know where to start really, haha. Except maybe just stating plainly and admitting to myself that I have been drowning myself in self pity lately. It's the idea that I don't know if I can face God and the Word and Truth that tells me to live the right way, the right path because I keep on failing and hating the things I do, the way I am at times.
It's easier to wallow in shame and self pity and despair than to reach out and grab onto God's truth, even though it's so readily there for me.
I've tried writing a couple of posts, but they turned into half written drafts that never seemed to get to the point.
But... it's better now?
Whatever. Back to devotionals. It's a super busy week (last week of school), but this is important. This is important.
James 1.
All of it.
Lovely.
So many verses speak to me here, especially 22 that states "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."
A sharp reminder to myself that the things I write down and think about are not enough. It has be true change, not something that stops for a little while and then moves on, like a bus passing through a bus stop. Specific things, like being slow to speak, slow to anger - I can't just acknowledge that as truth as well as my sins and then not attempt for change.
There are so many times I "know what is right" and then I brush it off because, oh just this once, or mrk it's not completely applicable here, or whatever I'll do as I please.
This is just a reminder to submit my life to God, including my words and my actions - not merely my thoughts.
God holds my future in his hands right now. He gives, and he takes away. But I will always say, blessed be His name.
---
Here is a thought I had: Why is it that we praise God or thank Him for blessing in our lives - and generally those blessings are things that could be considered 'worldly'?
Do we count our blessings in things of the world?
During Thanksgiving, saying my thanks and counting my blessings... I felt many of mine were praises of things I could earn through "human merit".
Do I still put my desires in things of this world?
What are things "not of this world"?
I need to do more research and reading.
But this is just on my mind....
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
change?
i might need to change my format. I've been predominately looking at the daily bible verse and meditating on that - but it's not consistent and it's not focusing on the books I want to read through and through. So after this, I'll probably shift back to Genesis or Romans. Probably Genesis. I think I'm doing okay.
One thing of note lately: I have been complacent. That idea that "I'm doing okay" is such an easy thing for me to slip on forget to keep on going. I start thinking, oh no worries, I'm good, I'm fine. And I stop thinking of ways to improve and change. Ugh.
Got a reality check yesterday with S-. But back to the reality check: I had not realized the lack of deep sharing in fellowship. She suggested a change of format, of focusing on the important things rather than the discussion, a change of mindset, and an increase of vulnerability. I sat and listened and was like... ah.. yes. Because I've been feeling the things that she mentioned, but she put it into words and cut to the core of the problem. She's really amazing, I can't even. She's someone I look up to, spiritually.
(This is a tangent). Sometimes I wonder how I could ever get there, as if there are miles between where I'm standing and where I should be. Or how she is able to tie her life back to God, always. Is it that some people find it easier to share, to be that conscious of God? I don't know. Or even prayer. I think the way she prays is very similar to another leader when I was a freshmen who I also looked up to: it was real and true, and so.. heart-felt. I don't know the right words. But sometimes when I pray, I feel like these words are just trite phrases and sentences that I've heard from sermons and other prayers and songs. Not all the time. Sometimes. What does it mean to pray truly from the heart? To remind myself of how to pray. I need to spend more time in prayer.
.... this really is a tangent. Ending it here. These are just thoughts, not really part of my daily devotional >.<
The conclusion and realization: I've been complacent and saw the routine of my fellowship as something easy and no longer needed my full attention and concentration. I need to change my heart, maybe change format and structure, change my mindset. Change. Only happens with Jesus.
---
Daily verse:
This is super short, so here's the whole thing.
Psalm 100
First thoughts: So what is the difference between Lord and God. Know that LORD is God? What does that mean?
So looked it up on google, ha. But they don't seem that helpful. LORD is definitely YHWH in Greek (what we say Yahweh nowadays) and that is the most sacred, holy name of God. Every other "name of God" is an attribute of God. I guess except for the "I am that I am" part. No wait. Okay, just read a couple more things. I am definitely not a scholar.
Here's a wiki link for important names of God. or Lord?
I still don't understand the difference, really, except that LORD is a..... ah wait. maybe a lightbulb moment.
Okay. God is God, meaning supreme being, creator of the universe. But LORD is his name. Only nowadays we have interchanged it all.
.... maybe makes sense.
Ha! Okay, more research done. LORD and Lord are both used in the Bible and they have different Greek words behind them. LORD is YHWH and only referred to in the Old Testament for God the father (I think). But Lord is kurios and is used for Jesus in the New Testament.
But God hasn't really been defined. Hm. So apparently the Greek word for God is Theos. Which just means supreme being or all-powerful authority, I suppose.
Somewhat satisfied. Somewhat.
But nitpicky questions aside, I don't know. This is a verse that only matters when I sit down and meditate upon it. Otherwise I'd glance at it and turn back to whatever else I'm doing. I've heard this stuff a million times or so, I might be almost desensitized. The LORD is good and his love endures forever. Heck, it's a song. But it's these verses that I have to keep coming back to and keep reminding myself about when I have those moments of despair or Ecclesiastes the things of this earth are meaningless and is just a chasing after the wind. That the LORD is good and his love endures. That these things are not of no worth if it's for God.
And that last sentence: that his faithfulness continues through all generations. That struck me in a way that I've never thought about before because so often I'm questioning why, why does the sin of the father affect generations all the down to three generations later? What has the son done, how is that right? I mean, that's sort of answered in that the teachings of the father will usually be translated down to those three generations and then after that, diluted if not retaught or if there is no decisive mover-shaker again. But in reverse as well, God is faithful through all generations as well. To remind myself that God is good, his love endures all through these generations.
... these words are starting to not feel from the heart right now. Not sure if it's because I left for class and came back to finish this post or if it's because I haven't really meditated on the thought that God is a good, loving, faithful God.
Closed my eyes and tried meditating on it. I'm just feeling tired and sort of ah yeah God does love me. Thanks God.
So what. So what? God does love me, God is good, so what?
So that I do not need to be burdened by sins or despair anymore. That I have an ever lasting joy that I can cling to. That this life has more meaning than this.
What are all these phrases..... I've written them here in this blog before and believed them with such passion.
But right now they just feel like words.
But there must be more than this.
There must be more than this.
Spirit of God, we wait for you.
Fill us anew we pray.
This is my song right now.
Lord,
Precious Father,
I come with faith - with hope and lay it all at your feet.
This tiredness... I lay it at your feet.
I pray to be renewed, to be filled anew.
Oh Lord, set me afire for you again.
In Jesus,
Amen.
One thing of note lately: I have been complacent. That idea that "I'm doing okay" is such an easy thing for me to slip on forget to keep on going. I start thinking, oh no worries, I'm good, I'm fine. And I stop thinking of ways to improve and change. Ugh.
Got a reality check yesterday with S-. But back to the reality check: I had not realized the lack of deep sharing in fellowship. She suggested a change of format, of focusing on the important things rather than the discussion, a change of mindset, and an increase of vulnerability. I sat and listened and was like... ah.. yes. Because I've been feeling the things that she mentioned, but she put it into words and cut to the core of the problem. She's really amazing, I can't even. She's someone I look up to, spiritually.
(This is a tangent). Sometimes I wonder how I could ever get there, as if there are miles between where I'm standing and where I should be. Or how she is able to tie her life back to God, always. Is it that some people find it easier to share, to be that conscious of God? I don't know. Or even prayer. I think the way she prays is very similar to another leader when I was a freshmen who I also looked up to: it was real and true, and so.. heart-felt. I don't know the right words. But sometimes when I pray, I feel like these words are just trite phrases and sentences that I've heard from sermons and other prayers and songs. Not all the time. Sometimes. What does it mean to pray truly from the heart? To remind myself of how to pray. I need to spend more time in prayer.
.... this really is a tangent. Ending it here. These are just thoughts, not really part of my daily devotional >.<
The conclusion and realization: I've been complacent and saw the routine of my fellowship as something easy and no longer needed my full attention and concentration. I need to change my heart, maybe change format and structure, change my mindset. Change. Only happens with Jesus.
---
Daily verse:
This is super short, so here's the whole thing.
Psalm 100
A psalm. For giving grateful praise.
1 Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his[a];
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
2 Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
3 Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his[a];
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
4 Enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
First thoughts: So what is the difference between Lord and God. Know that LORD is God? What does that mean?
So looked it up on google, ha. But they don't seem that helpful. LORD is definitely YHWH in Greek (what we say Yahweh nowadays) and that is the most sacred, holy name of God. Every other "name of God" is an attribute of God. I guess except for the "I am that I am" part. No wait. Okay, just read a couple more things. I am definitely not a scholar.
Here's a wiki link for important names of God. or Lord?
I still don't understand the difference, really, except that LORD is a..... ah wait. maybe a lightbulb moment.
Okay. God is God, meaning supreme being, creator of the universe. But LORD is his name. Only nowadays we have interchanged it all.
.... maybe makes sense.
Ha! Okay, more research done. LORD and Lord are both used in the Bible and they have different Greek words behind them. LORD is YHWH and only referred to in the Old Testament for God the father (I think). But Lord is kurios and is used for Jesus in the New Testament.
But God hasn't really been defined. Hm. So apparently the Greek word for God is Theos. Which just means supreme being or all-powerful authority, I suppose.
Somewhat satisfied. Somewhat.
But nitpicky questions aside, I don't know. This is a verse that only matters when I sit down and meditate upon it. Otherwise I'd glance at it and turn back to whatever else I'm doing. I've heard this stuff a million times or so, I might be almost desensitized. The LORD is good and his love endures forever. Heck, it's a song. But it's these verses that I have to keep coming back to and keep reminding myself about when I have those moments of despair or Ecclesiastes the things of this earth are meaningless and is just a chasing after the wind. That the LORD is good and his love endures. That these things are not of no worth if it's for God.
And that last sentence: that his faithfulness continues through all generations. That struck me in a way that I've never thought about before because so often I'm questioning why, why does the sin of the father affect generations all the down to three generations later? What has the son done, how is that right? I mean, that's sort of answered in that the teachings of the father will usually be translated down to those three generations and then after that, diluted if not retaught or if there is no decisive mover-shaker again. But in reverse as well, God is faithful through all generations as well. To remind myself that God is good, his love endures all through these generations.
... these words are starting to not feel from the heart right now. Not sure if it's because I left for class and came back to finish this post or if it's because I haven't really meditated on the thought that God is a good, loving, faithful God.
Closed my eyes and tried meditating on it. I'm just feeling tired and sort of ah yeah God does love me. Thanks God.
So what. So what? God does love me, God is good, so what?
So that I do not need to be burdened by sins or despair anymore. That I have an ever lasting joy that I can cling to. That this life has more meaning than this.
What are all these phrases..... I've written them here in this blog before and believed them with such passion.
But right now they just feel like words.
But there must be more than this.
There must be more than this.
Spirit of God, we wait for you.
Fill us anew we pray.
This is my song right now.
Lord,
Precious Father,
I come with faith - with hope and lay it all at your feet.
This tiredness... I lay it at your feet.
I pray to be renewed, to be filled anew.
Oh Lord, set me afire for you again.
In Jesus,
Amen.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Bible Study
Flew back in town today and went straight into my weekly Bible study with the older girls.
Seriously didn't want to go because I was feeling tired and out of whack... but realized I couldn't go next week and decided to buck up and go.
It was good.
These things usually are.
But we talked about heaven a lot and I.. don't know. I'm not really a heaven-thinking type of girl, even though Christianity is supposed to be quite a bit about heaven.
I just figure... I'll know when I get there (hopefully with faith). No point in wondering if babies are in heaven or where the souls of dead people are waiting to be judged.
But it was interesting to remember having these questions.
Whatever. I have a crap ton of work left >.< and a cup of disgusting coffee that I'm forcing myself to drink. le sigh.
---
The daily Bible verse:
Psalm 34:14
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it
... 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
I liked the 17 and 18, but put in the 14 to make myself remember that it's not just calling upon the Lord willy-nilly. I do have to be righteous and turn away from evil and do good. I do have to seek peace and pursue it. I don't know if I can call myself righteous, but I do believe the Lord hears when I pray. And knowing that God is near to the brokenhearted is really quite beautiful. Really beautiful.
I don't think I'm brokenhearted.. but I'm feeling really indecisive lately - which kinda stems from an indecisive heart, I think. I don't know if I am focused on my goals and priorities anymore... and it's really really frustrating.
A friend wrote a blogpost about joy even times of sorrow or anger or a negative emotion. And I think I need to dwell on that for a bit. Because I am feeling so awfully unhappy with the world and myself and people and everything, and where is the joy?
This is such an incoherent post. These paragraphs don't really connect to anything or to the verse. ... excuse me, I'm going to hopefully go to bed soon. Hopefully.
But meditating on the nearness of God. Oh that I can feel God near to me tonight...
---
Have NOT forgotten about my Job thought. Will be back on that later. ... later this week, that is.
Seriously didn't want to go because I was feeling tired and out of whack... but realized I couldn't go next week and decided to buck up and go.
It was good.
These things usually are.
But we talked about heaven a lot and I.. don't know. I'm not really a heaven-thinking type of girl, even though Christianity is supposed to be quite a bit about heaven.
I just figure... I'll know when I get there (hopefully with faith). No point in wondering if babies are in heaven or where the souls of dead people are waiting to be judged.
But it was interesting to remember having these questions.
Whatever. I have a crap ton of work left >.< and a cup of disgusting coffee that I'm forcing myself to drink. le sigh.
---
The daily Bible verse:
Psalm 34:14
Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it
... 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
I liked the 17 and 18, but put in the 14 to make myself remember that it's not just calling upon the Lord willy-nilly. I do have to be righteous and turn away from evil and do good. I do have to seek peace and pursue it. I don't know if I can call myself righteous, but I do believe the Lord hears when I pray. And knowing that God is near to the brokenhearted is really quite beautiful. Really beautiful.
I don't think I'm brokenhearted.. but I'm feeling really indecisive lately - which kinda stems from an indecisive heart, I think. I don't know if I am focused on my goals and priorities anymore... and it's really really frustrating.
A friend wrote a blogpost about joy even times of sorrow or anger or a negative emotion. And I think I need to dwell on that for a bit. Because I am feeling so awfully unhappy with the world and myself and people and everything, and where is the joy?
This is such an incoherent post. These paragraphs don't really connect to anything or to the verse. ... excuse me, I'm going to hopefully go to bed soon. Hopefully.
But meditating on the nearness of God. Oh that I can feel God near to me tonight...
---
Have NOT forgotten about my Job thought. Will be back on that later. ... later this week, that is.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
QUICK
Quickly before I run down and eat with my family ^^ hehe yay home food :)
Maybe joy is similar to faith in that it's "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" or "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen", depending on the translation.
I also wonder.... do you think any sad/bad/mad/evil thing could turn you away from God?
- excerpt from an email to a good friend
O.O wrote those thoughts down and automatically had to stop and think. Wait a sec, that sounds like Job!
So, going to read Job in a couple secs after dinner.
Maybe joy is similar to faith in that it's "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" or "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen", depending on the translation.
I also wonder.... do you think any sad/bad/mad/evil thing could turn you away from God?
- excerpt from an email to a good friend
O.O wrote those thoughts down and automatically had to stop and think. Wait a sec, that sounds like Job!
So, going to read Job in a couple secs after dinner.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Romans 12:12
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Scared for what the future holds.
So I am learning to be joyful in hope that there is something God has planned for me. Patient in affliction, that I don't just throw in the towel and give up or do things half heartedly, but still remember God in these afflictions. Faithful in prayer. Always.
Lord,
I lift this life to you. Let me be yours. Lift from me these burdens from the world so that I can fully devote myself to you. Let me keep my thoughts on you. Let me remember how to pray faithfully.
I lift this life to you.
This moment, this day.
This is yours: do what you will with it.
I will turn back to praise.
I lift this life to you.
In Jesus,
Amen.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Scared for what the future holds.
So I am learning to be joyful in hope that there is something God has planned for me. Patient in affliction, that I don't just throw in the towel and give up or do things half heartedly, but still remember God in these afflictions. Faithful in prayer. Always.
Lord,
I lift this life to you. Let me be yours. Lift from me these burdens from the world so that I can fully devote myself to you. Let me keep my thoughts on you. Let me remember how to pray faithfully.
I lift this life to you.
This moment, this day.
This is yours: do what you will with it.
I will turn back to praise.
I lift this life to you.
In Jesus,
Amen.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Peace
I found peace again.
I prayed aloud for the first time in a very long time. It was awkward and a little strange as the words tumbled out of my mouth. How do I talk to God again? How does it go? Who is God to me?
These are the things I have to remember when I pray aloud rather than internally.
Who is God to me? That's what I always have to think about when I pray aloud.
Do I talk to him like a father, imagining that I am resting my head on his knee as I talk to him about my daily troubles and thoughts during the day.
Do I view him fearfully like a king with my life in his hands and a scale in the other, as I lift him up on high?
Do I see a friend that is always present, always there for me to confide?
Who is God to me? Because isn't he all of those things and at the same, not a single one of those things?
I pray and I pray awkwardly, wondering how I should be speaking. Sometimes I do imagine myself talking to a father, or to a friend, or to the King... but what is important is the heart, right? And I come earnestly to Him, always when I pray out loud.
This is my heart, Lord, I pray.
This is yours, I say.
All of me, I whisper - because I fear this phrase so much, so so much.
You are Almighty, I say with conviction.
In Jesus, I remind myself.
Amen.
---
This is the daily verse I read today:
Proverbs 15:29
The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous
Somewhat fitting? Je ne sais pas.
A verse from Romans that makes me want to just fall on my bed and say praise the Lord, praise the Lord God Almighty.
Romans 6: 6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
This reminds me of my post a couple days ago on Optimism where I just don't understand sin in my life and how much faith (optimism?) has to be put in there to truly believe God takes these things away. But oh, isn't this so beautiful? So utterly, strikingly beautiful to read that anyong who has died has been set free from sin. That we are no longer slaves to sin.
This is a reminder, dear past and future self, that because Jesus has died for us, because he was crucified, when we accept Christ into our hearts, we also die so that we are no longer slaves to sin. That I have been set free from sin. I am not chained, or tied down to the shackles of sin. The weight of sin -even that ever present sin that I can't seem to rid myself of- is not mine to bear because I have Jesus Christ.
This is a reminder that Christianity isn't a legalistic faith - where actions are stronger than Jesus. I don't have to beat myself over forgetting to update this blog, for not doing my devotionals or going to church, or meet up with girls, because Jesus. Because Jesus.
Belief in Christ set me free from sin and now I must put Him first. I am free from sin.
This is me remembering what grace is.
This is me putting shame and guilt aside and placing Christ in the foremost.
Why is this so beautiful? I can't even. Praise God, oh these words are so little to the passionate cry in my heart. Praise God! Praise God for He is! Praise God!
I prayed aloud for the first time in a very long time. It was awkward and a little strange as the words tumbled out of my mouth. How do I talk to God again? How does it go? Who is God to me?
These are the things I have to remember when I pray aloud rather than internally.
Who is God to me? That's what I always have to think about when I pray aloud.
Do I talk to him like a father, imagining that I am resting my head on his knee as I talk to him about my daily troubles and thoughts during the day.
Do I view him fearfully like a king with my life in his hands and a scale in the other, as I lift him up on high?
Do I see a friend that is always present, always there for me to confide?
Who is God to me? Because isn't he all of those things and at the same, not a single one of those things?
I pray and I pray awkwardly, wondering how I should be speaking. Sometimes I do imagine myself talking to a father, or to a friend, or to the King... but what is important is the heart, right? And I come earnestly to Him, always when I pray out loud.
This is my heart, Lord, I pray.
This is yours, I say.
All of me, I whisper - because I fear this phrase so much, so so much.
You are Almighty, I say with conviction.
In Jesus, I remind myself.
Amen.
---
This is the daily verse I read today:
Proverbs 15:29
The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous
Somewhat fitting? Je ne sais pas.
A verse from Romans that makes me want to just fall on my bed and say praise the Lord, praise the Lord God Almighty.
Romans 6: 6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.
This reminds me of my post a couple days ago on Optimism where I just don't understand sin in my life and how much faith (optimism?) has to be put in there to truly believe God takes these things away. But oh, isn't this so beautiful? So utterly, strikingly beautiful to read that anyong who has died has been set free from sin. That we are no longer slaves to sin.
This is a reminder, dear past and future self, that because Jesus has died for us, because he was crucified, when we accept Christ into our hearts, we also die so that we are no longer slaves to sin. That I have been set free from sin. I am not chained, or tied down to the shackles of sin. The weight of sin -even that ever present sin that I can't seem to rid myself of- is not mine to bear because I have Jesus Christ.
This is a reminder that Christianity isn't a legalistic faith - where actions are stronger than Jesus. I don't have to beat myself over forgetting to update this blog, for not doing my devotionals or going to church, or meet up with girls, because Jesus. Because Jesus.
Belief in Christ set me free from sin and now I must put Him first. I am free from sin.
This is me remembering what grace is.
This is me putting shame and guilt aside and placing Christ in the foremost.
Why is this so beautiful? I can't even. Praise God, oh these words are so little to the passionate cry in my heart. Praise God! Praise God for He is! Praise God!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Really quick
Really quick before dinner and a meeting rawr.
So went to the gospels as I said yesterday because it's times like these that I just need to remember the Jesus and the love God has for us (He sent down His son for us!).
Read Mark because I thought it was kinda unfair that people read Matthew since it's the first book, Luke because he writes very historically, and John because he has that whole first chapter on the "Word was God" and all that. But not Mark. So I read Mark.
I guess I'm still feeling contrary.
Didn't really go too far, a bit strapped for time and ah so tired, but that's neither here nor there because it's God time right now.
So Mark 1.
This part of it struck me:
Um yeah, my first question was how did they know there was a spirit? ... or that it left? But that's okay, I'll let that one go for right now (going back to it later when I tackle spiritual warfare or something like that).
But the parts I bolded: he taught them as one who had authority. What is this authority? Is it the timbre of his voice? Is it the strength of his conviction? how did they know he had authority, more so than the scribes? While I understand that God and Jesus knows the He has the authority because the Word came from God and the Word was God.... people listening might not have known.
So I looked up the Greek for authority. It is "exousia". Exousia : where I found it. And it means "it is lawful" or "power of authority" or the "right to excise power".
Ah huh? Haha. But something struck the back of mind and jostled a loose memory... it reminded me of a time when I learned about how Jesus preached. I think it was at Urbana... but regardless. It was saying that when Jesus talked and taught and preached, he always started with this: "Truly I tell you..."
At the time I thought nothing of it. It's just Jesus saying he's telling the truth. But the person explained how in the old times, anyone teaching would begin with: "_____ had said this" or "So-and-so told us this, and that is why...." etc.
For Jesus to put himself as the authority (authority! see what I did there?) solely instead of another scholar or another major prophet, it was almost blasphemy.
Maybe this is similar. Except this I don't get: if he only referenced himself, wouldn't most people raise an eyebrow and think, this guys is so unlearned, who does he think he is saying these things?
But people were amazed.
I can't tell if it's a positive amazement or a negative one. It should be positive right? So maybe Jesus' teaching was that powerful or right-sounding even with the backing of another scholar.
But that makes almost no sense.... some teachings from the Bible that Jesus says as an authority I can only take as truth because I know he is the son of God. Some things he says are not "right-sounding" and any fool politician knows to sound "powerful" or moving.
How, or is it why?, were people so amazed in a positive light?
I am a little mystified. I need to read on.. but I need to leave :/ Maybe it will be more understood with later thoughts... and more reading of the Bible.
But take home message of this little bit: Jesus is an authority.
... more on what that means later. (which means, when i actually find out)
So went to the gospels as I said yesterday because it's times like these that I just need to remember the Jesus and the love God has for us (He sent down His son for us!).
Read Mark because I thought it was kinda unfair that people read Matthew since it's the first book, Luke because he writes very historically, and John because he has that whole first chapter on the "Word was God" and all that. But not Mark. So I read Mark.
I guess I'm still feeling contrary.
Didn't really go too far, a bit strapped for time and ah so tired, but that's neither here nor there because it's God time right now.
So Mark 1.
This part of it struck me:
Jesus Heals a Man with an Unclean Spirit
21 And they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath he entered the synagogue and was teaching. 22 And they were astonished at his teaching, for he taught them as one who had authority, and not as the scribes. 23 And immediately there was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit. And he cried out, 24 “What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God.” 25 But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be silent, and come out of him!” 26 And the unclean spirit, convulsing him and crying out with a loud voice, came out of him. 27 And they were all amazed, so that they questioned among themselves, saying, “What is this? A new teaching with authority! He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey him.” 28 And at once his fame spread everywhere throughout all the surrounding region of Galilee.Um yeah, my first question was how did they know there was a spirit? ... or that it left? But that's okay, I'll let that one go for right now (going back to it later when I tackle spiritual warfare or something like that).
But the parts I bolded: he taught them as one who had authority. What is this authority? Is it the timbre of his voice? Is it the strength of his conviction? how did they know he had authority, more so than the scribes? While I understand that God and Jesus knows the He has the authority because the Word came from God and the Word was God.... people listening might not have known.
So I looked up the Greek for authority. It is "exousia". Exousia : where I found it. And it means "it is lawful" or "power of authority" or the "right to excise power".
Ah huh? Haha. But something struck the back of mind and jostled a loose memory... it reminded me of a time when I learned about how Jesus preached. I think it was at Urbana... but regardless. It was saying that when Jesus talked and taught and preached, he always started with this: "Truly I tell you..."
At the time I thought nothing of it. It's just Jesus saying he's telling the truth. But the person explained how in the old times, anyone teaching would begin with: "_____ had said this" or "So-and-so told us this, and that is why...." etc.
For Jesus to put himself as the authority (authority! see what I did there?) solely instead of another scholar or another major prophet, it was almost blasphemy.
Maybe this is similar. Except this I don't get: if he only referenced himself, wouldn't most people raise an eyebrow and think, this guys is so unlearned, who does he think he is saying these things?
But people were amazed.
I can't tell if it's a positive amazement or a negative one. It should be positive right? So maybe Jesus' teaching was that powerful or right-sounding even with the backing of another scholar.
But that makes almost no sense.... some teachings from the Bible that Jesus says as an authority I can only take as truth because I know he is the son of God. Some things he says are not "right-sounding" and any fool politician knows to sound "powerful" or moving.
How, or is it why?, were people so amazed in a positive light?
I am a little mystified. I need to read on.. but I need to leave :/ Maybe it will be more understood with later thoughts... and more reading of the Bible.
But take home message of this little bit: Jesus is an authority.
... more on what that means later. (which means, when i actually find out)
Monday, November 5, 2012
OKAY
The last post was a whiny post and not a fruitful one either! I had nothing of content there, which is just miserable because the purpose is to write down God thoughts.
So here we go. Got some motivation back, ima gonna try this again.
In Sunday school a while back:
Joshua 13-15 ish
On Optimism:
I wrote a little bit about this on my main blog, but it still pertains here so whatever. Christianity is an optimistic faith. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Heb 11:1). Optimism: Hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.
Is there a difference between optimism and faith? Yes. the difference is in God. Faith is trusting in God and having confidence that He does have a plan for the things unseen. Optimism is only a state of mind. It's similar to how the difference between fellowship and a support group is God, and only God.
But I am hardly an optimist. So being faithful seems so against my nature as I weight probabilities and likelihood and impossibilities. Once I was telling my discipler about a continual sin -For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing- and she looked at me and asked: do you think you'll ever be rid of this sin?
I thought about it and in the end, concluded in my head: no.
But then, she asked, then why do you pray for God to take it away if there is no faith that it won't actually be taken away? (paraphrased, but something along those lines)
.... I had no response. My no comes from the past experience and times where I've beg and pleaded for it to be gone, where I felt like I've done everything I could and then also given it up to God knowing that I couldn't change myself and that only He could. Be even then, I sinned and hated myself for it. I sinned and felt guilty. Over and over and why am I writing the past tense? Because I still sin. But all of this, I look at myself and my past and see that I can't escape my sins and why would I be optimistic? But for faith - but for faith - the difference between optimism and faith is God. If it were only about me, then it would be a no. But if it's about God, then it should be a yes, yes I should have the faith.
It's hard for me, it really is. When I saw how God punished those who did not have faith (and in my mind I thought it was optimism), I was like... God punishes those who are not optimistic. Those who do not believe, or cannot believe. And as a pessimist/realist, I can't help but feel that it's unfair. Why? It's not as if I can suddenly up and become a optimist tomorrow, right?
But maybe then when I do trust God, when I do learn, when I can have faith, it is a testament to His goodness and faithfulness.
I don't know. I'm rambling.
What do we have faith in? This might sound so philosophical/not practical or whatever, but I am so serious here. The easy answer is God. Or Jesus.
.... please.
What I mean is this: we have faith - but faith for what?
That God has a plan for us, that if we believe in Jesus Christ that we will go to heaven, that God works good for all who believe (hopefully that's not a misquote), that God is good and just.
Okay, cool. But does he say that he will take away our desire to sin until heaven? I don't know, I don't think so. He will always forgive us, but.... or is this free will coming to play and taking it away would violate that?
Or for the part where it says God works for good for all who believe.... what kind of good, really though. People hurt, people die, there's suffering in the world. I've already mostly settled this in my mind and heart of how God can "allow" this to happen. But there's this part in the Bible that I can't seem to get over.... When David commits adultery with Bathsheba and she has that first baby... he dies after a week in which David mourns and puts ashes on himself. 2 Samuel 12.
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for[a] the Lord, the son born to you will die.”
15 After Nathan had gone home, the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[b] on the ground. 17
The child dies after 7 days. The next child that David and Bathsheba have together is King Solomon, the king that God loved dearly. I.... don't get it. I don't get it.
We have faith in God, we have faith that God works good for all who believe. - okay looking it up because i'm referencing it too much to not have original text:
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Okay. So the part I left out is the end, "who have been called according to his purpose". Yes, and our purpose (his purpose?) is to glorify God because that gives us the greatest joy in the end as well. I can understand that, even in our deaths. Humans fear death because it seems like the end of "self". But in God, with his ultimate promise, death is not the end but the beginning (wow sounds pretty trite, but true). Yes. going back though. So God works good for those who love him, but God does not necessarily give us good things. God does not necessarily give us wonderful things. God does not necessarily give us an easy comfortable life. God does not necessarily give us a loving significant other.
So what do I have faith in?
God.
Ah, why can't I find a better answer.
This post is getting too long, I'm getting confused at where I started and ended up.
I'll think about this more later.
One of the gospels tomorrow, I think.
So here we go. Got some motivation back, ima gonna try this again.
In Sunday school a while back:
Joshua 13-15 ish
On Optimism:
I wrote a little bit about this on my main blog, but it still pertains here so whatever. Christianity is an optimistic faith. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Heb 11:1). Optimism: Hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.
Is there a difference between optimism and faith? Yes. the difference is in God. Faith is trusting in God and having confidence that He does have a plan for the things unseen. Optimism is only a state of mind. It's similar to how the difference between fellowship and a support group is God, and only God.
But I am hardly an optimist. So being faithful seems so against my nature as I weight probabilities and likelihood and impossibilities. Once I was telling my discipler about a continual sin -For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing- and she looked at me and asked: do you think you'll ever be rid of this sin?
I thought about it and in the end, concluded in my head: no.
But then, she asked, then why do you pray for God to take it away if there is no faith that it won't actually be taken away? (paraphrased, but something along those lines)
.... I had no response. My no comes from the past experience and times where I've beg and pleaded for it to be gone, where I felt like I've done everything I could and then also given it up to God knowing that I couldn't change myself and that only He could. Be even then, I sinned and hated myself for it. I sinned and felt guilty. Over and over and why am I writing the past tense? Because I still sin. But all of this, I look at myself and my past and see that I can't escape my sins and why would I be optimistic? But for faith - but for faith - the difference between optimism and faith is God. If it were only about me, then it would be a no. But if it's about God, then it should be a yes, yes I should have the faith.
It's hard for me, it really is. When I saw how God punished those who did not have faith (and in my mind I thought it was optimism), I was like... God punishes those who are not optimistic. Those who do not believe, or cannot believe. And as a pessimist/realist, I can't help but feel that it's unfair. Why? It's not as if I can suddenly up and become a optimist tomorrow, right?
But maybe then when I do trust God, when I do learn, when I can have faith, it is a testament to His goodness and faithfulness.
I don't know. I'm rambling.
What do we have faith in? This might sound so philosophical/not practical or whatever, but I am so serious here. The easy answer is God. Or Jesus.
.... please.
What I mean is this: we have faith - but faith for what?
That God has a plan for us, that if we believe in Jesus Christ that we will go to heaven, that God works good for all who believe (hopefully that's not a misquote), that God is good and just.
Okay, cool. But does he say that he will take away our desire to sin until heaven? I don't know, I don't think so. He will always forgive us, but.... or is this free will coming to play and taking it away would violate that?
Or for the part where it says God works for good for all who believe.... what kind of good, really though. People hurt, people die, there's suffering in the world. I've already mostly settled this in my mind and heart of how God can "allow" this to happen. But there's this part in the Bible that I can't seem to get over.... When David commits adultery with Bathsheba and she has that first baby... he dies after a week in which David mourns and puts ashes on himself. 2 Samuel 12.
13 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. 14 But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for[a] the Lord, the son born to you will die.”
15 After Nathan had gone home, the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[b] on the ground. 17
The child dies after 7 days. The next child that David and Bathsheba have together is King Solomon, the king that God loved dearly. I.... don't get it. I don't get it.
We have faith in God, we have faith that God works good for all who believe. - okay looking it up because i'm referencing it too much to not have original text:
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.
Okay. So the part I left out is the end, "who have been called according to his purpose". Yes, and our purpose (his purpose?) is to glorify God because that gives us the greatest joy in the end as well. I can understand that, even in our deaths. Humans fear death because it seems like the end of "self". But in God, with his ultimate promise, death is not the end but the beginning (wow sounds pretty trite, but true). Yes. going back though. So God works good for those who love him, but God does not necessarily give us good things. God does not necessarily give us wonderful things. God does not necessarily give us an easy comfortable life. God does not necessarily give us a loving significant other.
So what do I have faith in?
God.
Ah, why can't I find a better answer.
This post is getting too long, I'm getting confused at where I started and ended up.
I'll think about this more later.
One of the gospels tomorrow, I think.
Not a post, not really
Just updating because i am alive and I am thinking of God.
The past few days have been horrid, and the next few ones will be worse. I can't seem to focus on my devotionals at all, much less long to open my Bible or sit down in a moment for prayer.
But this is the time for God, when I will set aside 10 minutes to put my heart and life in his hands.
This time is for God.
The past few days have been horrid, and the next few ones will be worse. I can't seem to focus on my devotionals at all, much less long to open my Bible or sit down in a moment for prayer.
But this is the time for God, when I will set aside 10 minutes to put my heart and life in his hands.
This time is for God.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
seed
I have been neglecting this blog for a while since I've been having really late nights recently due to my college's 100th year celebration. Even now is pretty late >.<
I've been thinking a lot recently and my thoughts are a little scattered, but that's alright.
I tend to enjoy reading light novels instead of the Bible in my free time, to the point where I'll just spend three hours or so to finish - ignoring everything else until I'm done.
Today I read one of CS Lewis' works: Till We Have Faces.
It is really truly beautiful and forces me to stop and think and think because I am not certain what I am thinking or feeling right now. But the title is really the heart of the book, and almost the raison d'etre for why he wrote the book.
“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer . . . Why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”
The implications of beauty and of selfishness and love and blindness are all in here. I am at once raising an eyebrow at the way he uses Greek mythology and their gods to allude to God himself, and another just blown away.
Another verse from 1 Corinthians 13
“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
I had not known. My search on CS Lewis also brought me to the Lewis trilemma and thoughts about how Jesus cannot be a great moral teacher but not God (he must be a liar, a madman, or God). Which makes me want to read Mere Christianity again ish.
There so much I still don't know about my own faith, revelations and apologetics and theories and just understanding. How can I say that I am comfortable with where I am in my relationship with God? I might think I am doing well, but more and more I want to know more of God and who He is and more and more of who I am so that this faith is grounded in truth.
I've been thinking a lot recently and my thoughts are a little scattered, but that's alright.
I tend to enjoy reading light novels instead of the Bible in my free time, to the point where I'll just spend three hours or so to finish - ignoring everything else until I'm done.
Today I read one of CS Lewis' works: Till We Have Faces.
It is really truly beautiful and forces me to stop and think and think because I am not certain what I am thinking or feeling right now. But the title is really the heart of the book, and almost the raison d'etre for why he wrote the book.
“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer . . . Why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”
The implications of beauty and of selfishness and love and blindness are all in here. I am at once raising an eyebrow at the way he uses Greek mythology and their gods to allude to God himself, and another just blown away.
Another verse from 1 Corinthians 13
“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
I had not known. My search on CS Lewis also brought me to the Lewis trilemma and thoughts about how Jesus cannot be a great moral teacher but not God (he must be a liar, a madman, or God). Which makes me want to read Mere Christianity again ish.
There so much I still don't know about my own faith, revelations and apologetics and theories and just understanding. How can I say that I am comfortable with where I am in my relationship with God? I might think I am doing well, but more and more I want to know more of God and who He is and more and more of who I am so that this faith is grounded in truth.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I don't understand
I don't understand so many things in the Bible. I also realize that I can so easily take things at face value and think I know it, but when I stop and ask what it means, I really can't answer it.
I'm heading back to Romans because I was really sad that I didn't know a verse my pastor referenced last Saturday. I'll go back to Genesis when I feel a little more grounded again. I think I can only take OT in small periods of time because then I start wandering off and forgetting the importance of the Word. OT is just so darn hard to relate to and make it into something that I understand fully of why it's in the Bible besides a history of some sorts. So back to Romans.
I guess also just in the personal corner as well... I've been really really depriving my body of sleep because I keep trying to use that time to recoup (as an introvert, lol) from the day. It's horrid and unhealthy and I'm constantly tired. But even more than that, this week has just been really hard because I couldn't make up for my sleep debt on the weekends because of other programs and commitments. I've been finding myself grumpy and frustrated at closest friends and family, annoyed at people's requests and people nattering at me. I can feel myself in that moments of suspended air where I'm just about to tumble into introvert land where I can't deal with people anymore and all I want to do is eat alone, study alone, be alone.
But another things is also this: this daily devotion thing. I've been slacking. Ughhh how many times do I come here to write that? The later I sleep, the less likely I would write here, the less likely I'm going to seriously sit down and read my Bible. The less likely I am to seriously pray. And I think that contributes a lot for why I don't want to meet up with people recently too. Because I have nothing of God in my heart recently, only tiredness frustration and self me myself in my heart.
But yes, back to the actual devotion part.
Romans. I'm trying to memorize Romans 6 even though I'm currently loving Romans 8 right now, but it's a progression. I'll get there eventually. It went la di la da da for a while, but there's something about memorizing that forces me to just truly think and know the words that I memorize, otherwise I'd forget. And there's this phrase in the first paragraph that I just have to stop on.
We died to sin. Romans 6:2
I've read and heard this verse multiple times, many times in my life. But what does it actually mean? How can one die to something? Is it like the phrase, he died to tuberculosis. ?
He died to an illness, she died to cancer.
We died to sin. We died because of sin. We died because sin was living in us and that is why we died.
Ah, it makes sense now. But the next part of it: "so how can we live in it any longer?"
One cannot live in a disease, can they? She lived in cancer. No, doesn't make sense.
Live in it? Is it like living in filth. He lived in squalor. She lived in filth and dirt. Like so?
So we died to sin, like a person might to a disease, so thus how can we live in sin, as a person might live in filth, any longer?
Is this how I should interpret this verse? Yes, for now. And thinking this through, hopefully it will be written on my heart. That I can fully understand that I have died to sin, I am a sinful person, but after being saved by Christ and the redemption from his blood, how can I live in sin, how could I even imagine continue to sin any longer?
Verses 3 and 4 point this out very poignantly I think.
3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
So that we too may live a new life.
let me live a new life, let me remember to live a new life instead of wallowing in my filth and sin day by day. Let me remember that Christ overcame death, and through him, I have a new life.
Memorize 1-4 for today. Tomorrow, I will blog. I won't put it off. Let my yes be a yes.
In Christ,
Amen
I'm heading back to Romans because I was really sad that I didn't know a verse my pastor referenced last Saturday. I'll go back to Genesis when I feel a little more grounded again. I think I can only take OT in small periods of time because then I start wandering off and forgetting the importance of the Word. OT is just so darn hard to relate to and make it into something that I understand fully of why it's in the Bible besides a history of some sorts. So back to Romans.
I guess also just in the personal corner as well... I've been really really depriving my body of sleep because I keep trying to use that time to recoup (as an introvert, lol) from the day. It's horrid and unhealthy and I'm constantly tired. But even more than that, this week has just been really hard because I couldn't make up for my sleep debt on the weekends because of other programs and commitments. I've been finding myself grumpy and frustrated at closest friends and family, annoyed at people's requests and people nattering at me. I can feel myself in that moments of suspended air where I'm just about to tumble into introvert land where I can't deal with people anymore and all I want to do is eat alone, study alone, be alone.
But another things is also this: this daily devotion thing. I've been slacking. Ughhh how many times do I come here to write that? The later I sleep, the less likely I would write here, the less likely I'm going to seriously sit down and read my Bible. The less likely I am to seriously pray. And I think that contributes a lot for why I don't want to meet up with people recently too. Because I have nothing of God in my heart recently, only tiredness frustration and self me myself in my heart.
But yes, back to the actual devotion part.
Romans. I'm trying to memorize Romans 6 even though I'm currently loving Romans 8 right now, but it's a progression. I'll get there eventually. It went la di la da da for a while, but there's something about memorizing that forces me to just truly think and know the words that I memorize, otherwise I'd forget. And there's this phrase in the first paragraph that I just have to stop on.
We died to sin. Romans 6:2
I've read and heard this verse multiple times, many times in my life. But what does it actually mean? How can one die to something? Is it like the phrase, he died to tuberculosis. ?
He died to an illness, she died to cancer.
We died to sin. We died because of sin. We died because sin was living in us and that is why we died.
Ah, it makes sense now. But the next part of it: "so how can we live in it any longer?"
One cannot live in a disease, can they? She lived in cancer. No, doesn't make sense.
Live in it? Is it like living in filth. He lived in squalor. She lived in filth and dirt. Like so?
So we died to sin, like a person might to a disease, so thus how can we live in sin, as a person might live in filth, any longer?
Is this how I should interpret this verse? Yes, for now. And thinking this through, hopefully it will be written on my heart. That I can fully understand that I have died to sin, I am a sinful person, but after being saved by Christ and the redemption from his blood, how can I live in sin, how could I even imagine continue to sin any longer?
Verses 3 and 4 point this out very poignantly I think.
3 Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
So that we too may live a new life.
let me live a new life, let me remember to live a new life instead of wallowing in my filth and sin day by day. Let me remember that Christ overcame death, and through him, I have a new life.
Memorize 1-4 for today. Tomorrow, I will blog. I won't put it off. Let my yes be a yes.
In Christ,
Amen
Monday, October 8, 2012
Unwilling soul
My soul is an unwilling soul. I try to cajole it and soothe and beg and plead for it to come out of it's dank, dirty corner where the only comforts are self-pity and self-absorption, and those are no comforts at all.
When I leave that corner and experience such wonderful things, love, trust, joy, hope, understanding, it's marvelous and I think I can stay in the light forever.
But for some unknown reason, I always seem to crawl back to that corner again.
My soul is an unwilling soul.
I tell myself to dive into the Word, to bury it in my heart and immerse my soul in there. But my soul hesitates over the edge of the pool, careful to not even dip a toe into the clear clear waters.
I must remind myself over and over again to just jump.
When I leave that corner and experience such wonderful things, love, trust, joy, hope, understanding, it's marvelous and I think I can stay in the light forever.
But for some unknown reason, I always seem to crawl back to that corner again.
My soul is an unwilling soul.
I tell myself to dive into the Word, to bury it in my heart and immerse my soul in there. But my soul hesitates over the edge of the pool, careful to not even dip a toe into the clear clear waters.
I must remind myself over and over again to just jump.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
More
On prayer and devotion:
It was odd, really. Sometimes I have these flashes of moments where I desperately want something - whether it's to get into a good school, or to do well, or to hear from my family, or even something trivial like losing a pound or two. And the second thought that comes right after that is: what would i be willing to trade or give up for this desperate something? Sometimes I bargain with God and say, oh if you let this happen, I'll be more devoted. I'll never doubt in you again. So reveal yourself to me, let me have this thing I desperately want, please?
Or in my more crazy I might weigh this desire against other things important to me, such as relationships and intelligence and confidence or whatnot. And then I wonder, would I give up some of my intelligence (iono, IQ) to gain this thing that I want? And would I give up a friend for this (this is dangerous thinking)?
And then I shake my head and banish all thoughts because this line of thought is crazy crazy crazy. Especially saying it out in this blog is kinda even more crazy because crazy thoughts sometimes only belong in the head, not spoken to the world. And God is no vending machine god that rolls out a can of happiness, a bottle of answered prayers, at the push of a button or the touch of a prayer.
Life isn't a bargain deal where you can trade in things to get things you desperately want. There's no fixed amount of karma or luck or whatever to buy and sell. There's only God and his will.
I write all of this because it will set the scene for what I say next. Keep this in mind, my future self, because I find that you always forget lessons over and over.
I bargained for something I desperately wanted a few days ago in my head, telling God that if he let me have this I would never doubt again. I would be more diligent. I would know it's his confirmation that my choice was the right path for me.
I stopped and laughed it off. Silly me, what a silly girl to keep bargaining with God. What a silly girl to keep trying to make God into a vending machine.
And then two days ago it happened. I was shocked and stunned and just overwhelmed. I was relieved and ecstatic and everything. I collapsed on my bed and just praised God.
Yesterday I found myself bargaining again. Something more, please God. Just a little more of this thing that I desperately want, please. I will never doubt again.
This is what I need to remember: it is not enough, the things of this world.
The thing that I so desperately wanted and craved, God provided. But the happiness of that thing I desperately wanted and begged for quickly dissipated and I took it for granted again and set my eyes on the next thing that made my heart yearn. Happiness in this world is fleeting.
Instead, running after God is a joy that never ends. He is where I must put all my hope and trust. He is the thing that I should desperately want and plead for. He is the thing that I should bargain away my entire life and chase after.
The kingdom of heaven is like a pearl. When the merchant finds it, he sells everything he has and buys it.
The kingdom of heaven is like buried treasure. When the man discovers it, he sells all he has and buys the land.
This is what I need to remember: God is enough. God is joy.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A prayer
Lord,
Let my life be for your glory.
The struggles and troubles, as well as the joys and praises.
Turn my life towards you.
Fix my eyes on you.
Let me remember nothing I have is truly mine.
Let me not take for granted the good things that happen.
Blessed Father, Almighty one, Savior.
Let this be yours.
Amen.
Let my life be for your glory.
The struggles and troubles, as well as the joys and praises.
Turn my life towards you.
Fix my eyes on you.
Let me remember nothing I have is truly mine.
Let me not take for granted the good things that happen.
Blessed Father, Almighty one, Savior.
Let this be yours.
Amen.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Slowly
Sorta-confession: I've been reading through atheist blogs. Maybe because I'm testing to see if my faith can hold up to rebuttals and "rational" points and direct questions that somewhat attack and somewhat question my faith. Or maybe I'm a masochist. There's a blog called respectfulatheist and I found it at once intriguing and just a fascinating insight into an atheist's mind - especially because he/she? had been Christian once and still holds to many of the values, but just professes to not believe in the validity of the history or the Bible anymore.
It was actually a couple days ago, so I don't have specific thoughts to put down here (but I will in the future, I think)
But one thing I did realize a little later was that I was reading it while not focusing on the Bible myself. It's one thing to say I am testing my faith by reading through specific points and questions, and another thing to do it while not grounding myself in the Bible. But I do think it's important to do both, as incoherent as that may sound.
I don't want my faith to be irrational, I don't want my faith to be blind, I don't want to go into this faith purely on feelings and emotions because I don't even trust my own emotions for decisions in life (i.e. choosing to do this job or that major or this internship or going to an event, etc. there's gotta be a reason!).
But I don't think I'm in that "falling away" position right now because God does feel close (how ironic, when I mention how he "feels" close). But truly, he does~ seeing people grow and the Bible speak into my own life.
Regardless, getting back on track. I realized I was reading this blog without reading the Bible consistently and I started seriously considering - even though reading it is most likely a good thing, to ensure my foundations and beliefs and see where I stand with many events - I started considering how this is definitely a slippery slope.
I'm not quite a spiritual warfare girl (thoughts of Satan attacks and spirits etc make me very skeptical because I'm more inclined to think it's just human idiocy lol - not saying it doesn't exist, but I think a lot of things ppl attribute to spiritual warfare is human idiocy). But I mean, doubt is a breeding ground for disbelief and there's no point in fueling a potentially weak spot without a strong foundation of God.
And I also realized how inconsistent I was being. AGAIN. But that is the point of the blog as well, to always go back to God no matter how many times I've been unfaithful or forgetful.
I just about closed my eyes and breathed and just had to be still for a long moment after reading Romans 8. I was reminded of how beautiful and how lovely it was to know Romans so intimately that I wanted to go back and just read again.
But oh, oh oh. Romans 8: 22 - the end, clenches around my heart and I can feel the pulse of my blood and heart with each breath, that is how beautiful it is. When all sound falls away and there's nothing left but these words speaking truth, and oh what beautiful truth!
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
I cannot express the amount of sorrow I have felt inexplicably this week, of just being sad for no reason at all, as if there were something more, something that I just could not touch upon. The feelings that nothing I do matters and what is anything worth anymore? This describes it so perfectly, the wordless groan when we don't know what we ought to pray for. But still, to have hope for what we do not have yet, and knowing that the Spirit is always there interceding for us. Always always always. What can be more beautiful? What is more beautiful?
I must memorize this chapter. I need these verses to be written on my heart so that when I turn away and all I have are wordless groans I can be reminded of the hope that we do not yet have.
---
Personal corner:
I've been dumped with a ton of revelations and information lately that I don't know how to file away properly. I'm under time constraints right now and I actually probably shouldn't be blogging because I don't really have the time. But my mind is exploding with thoughts and blogging always helps, so this will help.
It's drama and not drama, it's new food for thoughts, it's confusing, it's people. It's people. It's relationships.
I don't know what I feel or what I think yet. I need time to mull things over. Who has time nowaday?
But I should always have time for God ^^
It was actually a couple days ago, so I don't have specific thoughts to put down here (but I will in the future, I think)
But one thing I did realize a little later was that I was reading it while not focusing on the Bible myself. It's one thing to say I am testing my faith by reading through specific points and questions, and another thing to do it while not grounding myself in the Bible. But I do think it's important to do both, as incoherent as that may sound.
I don't want my faith to be irrational, I don't want my faith to be blind, I don't want to go into this faith purely on feelings and emotions because I don't even trust my own emotions for decisions in life (i.e. choosing to do this job or that major or this internship or going to an event, etc. there's gotta be a reason!).
But I don't think I'm in that "falling away" position right now because God does feel close (how ironic, when I mention how he "feels" close). But truly, he does~ seeing people grow and the Bible speak into my own life.
Regardless, getting back on track. I realized I was reading this blog without reading the Bible consistently and I started seriously considering - even though reading it is most likely a good thing, to ensure my foundations and beliefs and see where I stand with many events - I started considering how this is definitely a slippery slope.
I'm not quite a spiritual warfare girl (thoughts of Satan attacks and spirits etc make me very skeptical because I'm more inclined to think it's just human idiocy lol - not saying it doesn't exist, but I think a lot of things ppl attribute to spiritual warfare is human idiocy). But I mean, doubt is a breeding ground for disbelief and there's no point in fueling a potentially weak spot without a strong foundation of God.
And I also realized how inconsistent I was being. AGAIN. But that is the point of the blog as well, to always go back to God no matter how many times I've been unfaithful or forgetful.
I just about closed my eyes and breathed and just had to be still for a long moment after reading Romans 8. I was reminded of how beautiful and how lovely it was to know Romans so intimately that I wanted to go back and just read again.
But oh, oh oh. Romans 8: 22 - the end, clenches around my heart and I can feel the pulse of my blood and heart with each breath, that is how beautiful it is. When all sound falls away and there's nothing left but these words speaking truth, and oh what beautiful truth!
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
I cannot express the amount of sorrow I have felt inexplicably this week, of just being sad for no reason at all, as if there were something more, something that I just could not touch upon. The feelings that nothing I do matters and what is anything worth anymore? This describes it so perfectly, the wordless groan when we don't know what we ought to pray for. But still, to have hope for what we do not have yet, and knowing that the Spirit is always there interceding for us. Always always always. What can be more beautiful? What is more beautiful?
I must memorize this chapter. I need these verses to be written on my heart so that when I turn away and all I have are wordless groans I can be reminded of the hope that we do not yet have.
---
Personal corner:
I've been dumped with a ton of revelations and information lately that I don't know how to file away properly. I'm under time constraints right now and I actually probably shouldn't be blogging because I don't really have the time. But my mind is exploding with thoughts and blogging always helps, so this will help.
It's drama and not drama, it's new food for thoughts, it's confusing, it's people. It's people. It's relationships.
I don't know what I feel or what I think yet. I need time to mull things over. Who has time nowaday?
But I should always have time for God ^^
Monday, September 24, 2012
False Devotion
Titled it false devotion because I've been fooling myself for the past couple of days that I've been doing okay spiritually.
These past few days have been pretty rough with seriously lack of sleep and teetering on the very slick edge of that introvert mountain.
Overwhelming myself with the regrets that I haven't been able to everything I wanted to do senior year, the practical things left undone, the words unsaid, the future what ifs and maybes and what if not's...
These past few days have been a series of thinking of abiding in God, but never actually sitting down in full prayer or full devotion. I throw a thought up to God or mumble a quick prayer before bed and quickly collapse into oblivion since my body is that unrested. Foolish girl that I am.
So today I remedy this. It's almost easier to write in this blog and also pretend it's devotion. Cut and paste a bible verse teehee done. But no.
Today is not a Genesis day because I don't have the strength to face the questions and confusion of the old testament. I will return later, soon, quickly, hopefully. Today is about John 7... because that's what appeared in my daily bible verse thing... but also because it's about hope and refocusing life.
Jesus' words are so heart-wrenchingly true, to me the sinner. He says: "My time is not yet here; for you any time will do."
And isn't that so true to me? In both ways, in my life and also for God. I say now, tomorrow, this coming year, please and thanks God. But God says not now, wait. And I am confused and hurt and I don't understand. But for me, any time will do, why not now? God has his own timing, that is perfect and right and accurate and true. And for cell group, for other people, for my own spiritual life, I say, why not show yourself with such clarity to those who are seeking you tomorrow? Or maybe by the end of the year so I can see your work? Why not just teach me all the lessons I need to learn by tomorrow? But for me, any time will do.
And the funny thing is, after he told his brothers he would not go yet because it was not his time, he went in secret. Not with a thousand blazing trumpets and a fanfare that announced his presence, but quietly and secretly and only his teaching set his apart. I say tomorrow, God says wait, but he is still working in secret as I struggle with patience and learning God's timing.
This is what I need to learn for med school future, for this senior year, for my life.
It's hard for me lift these things up in prayer today because my heart hurts. Haa.. what a thing to say, how does a heart hurt? But it truly aches and longs. I am so unsatisfied with the world, when I think of all the things around me, of my accomplishments and my failures and what I have spent my time in my life, it's like a chasing after the wind. I don't even know if I could explain this feeling to my future self, but it wells up in the throat like the precursor of tears and settles like a pressure on my heart. It's the tension between the brows and the strain of the neck and the realization that I might be half a kind word away from crying about nothing, something, everything. It's the acknowledgement of the things done in life, and coming out untouched. What next, what left, what more?
But it is not my first instinct to turn to God however obvious it is that it seems like I'm longing for God's peace and presence.
Ha, it's definitely not.
Rather I turn to myself, inward, and I drown myself in a binge of things that stimulate my mind to see if I can find something that sparks a little interest here. Or maybe I do it to while away the time. And then I try to push those feelings out and away and tuck them into the back of my mind under a dusty tarp of forgetfulness to concentrate on the now and here and the practical things. That usually works, and i promptly go on until the next time I lie in bed and wonder why my heart aches.
God, oh my soul. God, oh God.
What poor words I have to use.
God, Father, Savior.
Amen.
These past few days have been pretty rough with seriously lack of sleep and teetering on the very slick edge of that introvert mountain.
Overwhelming myself with the regrets that I haven't been able to everything I wanted to do senior year, the practical things left undone, the words unsaid, the future what ifs and maybes and what if not's...
These past few days have been a series of thinking of abiding in God, but never actually sitting down in full prayer or full devotion. I throw a thought up to God or mumble a quick prayer before bed and quickly collapse into oblivion since my body is that unrested. Foolish girl that I am.
So today I remedy this. It's almost easier to write in this blog and also pretend it's devotion. Cut and paste a bible verse teehee done. But no.
Today is not a Genesis day because I don't have the strength to face the questions and confusion of the old testament. I will return later, soon, quickly, hopefully. Today is about John 7... because that's what appeared in my daily bible verse thing... but also because it's about hope and refocusing life.
Jesus' words are so heart-wrenchingly true, to me the sinner. He says: "My time is not yet here; for you any time will do."
And isn't that so true to me? In both ways, in my life and also for God. I say now, tomorrow, this coming year, please and thanks God. But God says not now, wait. And I am confused and hurt and I don't understand. But for me, any time will do, why not now? God has his own timing, that is perfect and right and accurate and true. And for cell group, for other people, for my own spiritual life, I say, why not show yourself with such clarity to those who are seeking you tomorrow? Or maybe by the end of the year so I can see your work? Why not just teach me all the lessons I need to learn by tomorrow? But for me, any time will do.
And the funny thing is, after he told his brothers he would not go yet because it was not his time, he went in secret. Not with a thousand blazing trumpets and a fanfare that announced his presence, but quietly and secretly and only his teaching set his apart. I say tomorrow, God says wait, but he is still working in secret as I struggle with patience and learning God's timing.
This is what I need to learn for med school future, for this senior year, for my life.
It's hard for me lift these things up in prayer today because my heart hurts. Haa.. what a thing to say, how does a heart hurt? But it truly aches and longs. I am so unsatisfied with the world, when I think of all the things around me, of my accomplishments and my failures and what I have spent my time in my life, it's like a chasing after the wind. I don't even know if I could explain this feeling to my future self, but it wells up in the throat like the precursor of tears and settles like a pressure on my heart. It's the tension between the brows and the strain of the neck and the realization that I might be half a kind word away from crying about nothing, something, everything. It's the acknowledgement of the things done in life, and coming out untouched. What next, what left, what more?
But it is not my first instinct to turn to God however obvious it is that it seems like I'm longing for God's peace and presence.
Ha, it's definitely not.
Rather I turn to myself, inward, and I drown myself in a binge of things that stimulate my mind to see if I can find something that sparks a little interest here. Or maybe I do it to while away the time. And then I try to push those feelings out and away and tuck them into the back of my mind under a dusty tarp of forgetfulness to concentrate on the now and here and the practical things. That usually works, and i promptly go on until the next time I lie in bed and wonder why my heart aches.
God, oh my soul. God, oh God.
What poor words I have to use.
God, Father, Savior.
Amen.
Monday, September 17, 2012
ah
The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.
-Exodus 14:14
Ah, just wow. This is so beautiful.
There are so many times when I'm crying out and so desperate to keep moving, thinking that I'm stuck in a rut in my life -why aren't things changing? why is it like this? why can't I change myself?-
But God is there, even when it's hard.
And then reading the rest of the chapter, God tells the Israelites to move on because he will open the way for them.
this is what it means to fall in love with God over and over again when faced with his deliverance.
Friday, September 14, 2012
okay
it's been a while, life's been getting in the way.
BUT WAIT. Priorities, right?
Things will always get in the way if we don't make time for God.
the struggle between importance and urgency. it's hard.
got a chain email today. meh, it was a bible verse propagation. Not sure if I like that it's a chain mail, but i sent it out anyway. am i spamming people?! ...with bible verses? huh.
But this is the verse i sent along:
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Bolded and enlarged for emphasis.
haha actually no, that's how i copy and pasted it.
But yeah, I do really like these verses.
BUT WAIT. Priorities, right?
Things will always get in the way if we don't make time for God.
the struggle between importance and urgency. it's hard.
got a chain email today. meh, it was a bible verse propagation. Not sure if I like that it's a chain mail, but i sent it out anyway. am i spamming people?! ...with bible verses? huh.
But this is the verse i sent along:
3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Bolded and enlarged for emphasis.
haha actually no, that's how i copy and pasted it.
But yeah, I do really like these verses.
Monday, September 10, 2012
tired prayers
So I decided to put this here instead of other blog since it's more devotional than God thoughts, which belongs in the other one.
Went to prayer meeting today where I heard a friend-quantince talk more than I've heard him talk in more than 2 years O.o
But they had a nice little thing of reading the news and praying for whatever was on your heart.
I sat looking at the newspaper for about five minutes and could not stop thinking about how little I wanted to pray. I couldn't 'feel' it, it was like an assignment for a class that assigned busy work, I kept thinking about work and quizzes and studying and classes and how busy I was going to be tomorrow (very).
So instead I prayed for God to just let me have that hour to dedicate to him in prayer.
It was fruitful.
It was from the heart when I prayed for God to open my heart and let me be more vulnerable.
i am dead tired. Absolutely tired, lack of sleep headaches and all. But it was good. One of those moments when it feels like God is close.
I will do my devos soon, so I'll probably just edit this later. Later.
-edit-
I could not concentrate. My head is almost spinning from weariness. I read through a little of Psalm and the way each one cries out to the Lord.
I shall do that tonight as well.
Went to prayer meeting today where I heard a friend-quantince talk more than I've heard him talk in more than 2 years O.o
But they had a nice little thing of reading the news and praying for whatever was on your heart.
I sat looking at the newspaper for about five minutes and could not stop thinking about how little I wanted to pray. I couldn't 'feel' it, it was like an assignment for a class that assigned busy work, I kept thinking about work and quizzes and studying and classes and how busy I was going to be tomorrow (very).
So instead I prayed for God to just let me have that hour to dedicate to him in prayer.
It was fruitful.
It was from the heart when I prayed for God to open my heart and let me be more vulnerable.
i am dead tired. Absolutely tired, lack of sleep headaches and all. But it was good. One of those moments when it feels like God is close.
I will do my devos soon, so I'll probably just edit this later. Later.
-edit-
I could not concentrate. My head is almost spinning from weariness. I read through a little of Psalm and the way each one cries out to the Lord.
I shall do that tonight as well.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
A continuation
This is actually not going to be from my devos, but from Sunday School.
So I went to the Joshua class, which is focusing on the book of Joshua (trying to understand the circumstances and the events and then understand what we can take away from it).
And I come out of the class a little more frustrated and a little more understanding at the end.
Frustrating because I realize now why I have so many misconceptions about stories in the Bible that I've heard from my younger years (Vacation Bible School, bible story time, etc). It's because classes that focuses on text encourage questions and then allows the class to speculate about the answer. For example, in Joshua we focused on ch 1 and 2. Chapter 2 mostly starred Rahab, the prostitute that let the two spies escape by a red cord from Jericho.
And then the teacher opened up the floor to questions - to which people asked stuff like:
What's the number of people in Jericho?
Is Rahab a prostitute or an inn keeper?
Why did the spies go to a prostitute? (joke answer from the class: that's where men go)
How can Rahab be so blessed by God when she was a traitor and she lied?
How did the king know Rahab personally?
etc.
And then the class also tried to answer those questions, which begot many many speculations and various theories.
THIS. This is where I felt a little frustrated and a little understanding at the same time. Frustrated because I feel as if my memory fogs up these moments of speculation and somehow inadvertently takes a few of these answers as truth (and then my mind assumes it was in the Bible when they were just good guess and theories and speculation). Just like when I assumed the Bible called Thomas specifically "Thomas the Doubter" rather than Jesus telling him not to doubt.
But understanding because pondering and truly seeking for answers to our questions is the only way we can grow closer to God. It's not just enough to read the text, but to meditate upon it and write it on our hearts.
See? What a frustrating annoyance. I guess I'll just be more mindful of what people say about the text (commentary) versus what's in the Bible and remind myself to distinguish the two better.
A verse to leave you with:
Hebrews 11: 1-2
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
You ought to read all of Hebrews 11. I think I'm just blown away by Hebrews 11 right now because it shows just how cohesive the Bible is.
Questions that I ask from the Old Testament become more clear after reading this chapter.
And the overall theme here is faith.
-edit-
/failflop
ah note to self: no more talking to the reader unless it's directly aimed at myself. Despite the "selfish" sounding nature of that statement, this is my blog so it is what it is.
Also, thinking about a potential audience makes this blog a little less real, I think. It makes me consider the regards of others too much as I write about struggles. It makes me want to hide my questions and only reveal my revelations and understanding. I suppose thinking on my other blog and reading others in my friend circle, I notice that trend a lot where people keep posting glorious moments of feeling close to God and lovely epiphanies that God revealed to them and little God hunts and moments where their lives are intersecting with God's will and plan. And then I start to ponder my blog posts where I write out questions and struggles and difficult times and I have the furious urge to go back and delete delete delete and not let anyone see it. But this is a blog to devote everything to God, both confusion and utter despair along with the joy and encouragement of God speaking through His words.
So I went to the Joshua class, which is focusing on the book of Joshua (trying to understand the circumstances and the events and then understand what we can take away from it).
And I come out of the class a little more frustrated and a little more understanding at the end.
Frustrating because I realize now why I have so many misconceptions about stories in the Bible that I've heard from my younger years (Vacation Bible School, bible story time, etc). It's because classes that focuses on text encourage questions and then allows the class to speculate about the answer. For example, in Joshua we focused on ch 1 and 2. Chapter 2 mostly starred Rahab, the prostitute that let the two spies escape by a red cord from Jericho.
And then the teacher opened up the floor to questions - to which people asked stuff like:
What's the number of people in Jericho?
Is Rahab a prostitute or an inn keeper?
Why did the spies go to a prostitute? (joke answer from the class: that's where men go)
How can Rahab be so blessed by God when she was a traitor and she lied?
How did the king know Rahab personally?
etc.
And then the class also tried to answer those questions, which begot many many speculations and various theories.
THIS. This is where I felt a little frustrated and a little understanding at the same time. Frustrated because I feel as if my memory fogs up these moments of speculation and somehow inadvertently takes a few of these answers as truth (and then my mind assumes it was in the Bible when they were just good guess and theories and speculation). Just like when I assumed the Bible called Thomas specifically "Thomas the Doubter" rather than Jesus telling him not to doubt.
But understanding because pondering and truly seeking for answers to our questions is the only way we can grow closer to God. It's not just enough to read the text, but to meditate upon it and write it on our hearts.
See? What a frustrating annoyance. I guess I'll just be more mindful of what people say about the text (commentary) versus what's in the Bible and remind myself to distinguish the two better.
A verse to leave you with:
Hebrews 11: 1-2
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for.
You ought to read all of Hebrews 11. I think I'm just blown away by Hebrews 11 right now because it shows just how cohesive the Bible is.
Questions that I ask from the Old Testament become more clear after reading this chapter.
And the overall theme here is faith.
-edit-
/failflop
ah note to self: no more talking to the reader unless it's directly aimed at myself. Despite the "selfish" sounding nature of that statement, this is my blog so it is what it is.
Also, thinking about a potential audience makes this blog a little less real, I think. It makes me consider the regards of others too much as I write about struggles. It makes me want to hide my questions and only reveal my revelations and understanding. I suppose thinking on my other blog and reading others in my friend circle, I notice that trend a lot where people keep posting glorious moments of feeling close to God and lovely epiphanies that God revealed to them and little God hunts and moments where their lives are intersecting with God's will and plan. And then I start to ponder my blog posts where I write out questions and struggles and difficult times and I have the furious urge to go back and delete delete delete and not let anyone see it. But this is a blog to devote everything to God, both confusion and utter despair along with the joy and encouragement of God speaking through His words.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
OT
Been reading through the OT still. This brings up so many questions, honestly. I can't read through a text without having the voice in the back of my mind mutter and analyze and ask why why why?
Why does God say those words after the tower of Babel was built?
Why was a wife for Isaac found so easily? (faith - that was the conclusion my discipler and I came up with)
Why destruction?
Why allow Ishmael to raise up a group of people who are mostly going to be doomed?
Why do sons have to reap the sorrows and the sins of the father?
Also thinking about what it means to have a childlike faith.
What does that mean, truly? People who use that phrase, what does it mean?
Is it the ignorance of a child? The naivety? The wonder and excitement? The trust in the unknown? The gullibility?
Thinking about doubts. It just bothers me so much that Thomas is called Thomas the Doubter because he has to touch Jesus' wounds before he believes.
I copy the transcript here from John 20:
24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
Doesn't that sound like us so often? Unless I see, I will not believe. I suppose it also means that Jesus will accommodate even our unbelief and reach out to us and let us touch his wounds until we believe. It's just lines like that last line and that the world (Christian world even) has labeled him "Thomas the Doubter"... that bothers me.
It's as if it's.. hm looked down upon to have doubts. That it is more blessed to have not seen and yet believe. For me, that scares me so completely because the thing I fear is a blind faith.
I don't want to follow blindly my parents' faith or blindly follow my church's teachings.
I don't want to be a sheep that follows another sheep off the cliff without realizing.
It bothers me. But I am glad that I am rereading these passages that I thought I knew so well from Sunday School. Because before today I had not had these two thoughts:
1. That it was not the Bible that labeled Thomas as Thomas the Doubter, but rather the world. It reminds me so often that I do not know God as closely as I thought I did - and how beautiful it is to get to know him more!
2. That Jesus will accommodate our unbelief. He does not leave Thomas doubting, but says "Stop doubting and believe." Isn't that beautiful? That God isn't a passive God that is just there, but rather one that runs after us! He loves us so dearly.
Why does God say those words after the tower of Babel was built?
Why was a wife for Isaac found so easily? (faith - that was the conclusion my discipler and I came up with)
Why destruction?
Why allow Ishmael to raise up a group of people who are mostly going to be doomed?
Why do sons have to reap the sorrows and the sins of the father?
Also thinking about what it means to have a childlike faith.
What does that mean, truly? People who use that phrase, what does it mean?
Is it the ignorance of a child? The naivety? The wonder and excitement? The trust in the unknown? The gullibility?
Thinking about doubts. It just bothers me so much that Thomas is called Thomas the Doubter because he has to touch Jesus' wounds before he believes.
I copy the transcript here from John 20:
24 Now Thomas (also known as Didymus[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
26 A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
28 Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
29 Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
Doesn't that sound like us so often? Unless I see, I will not believe. I suppose it also means that Jesus will accommodate even our unbelief and reach out to us and let us touch his wounds until we believe. It's just lines like that last line and that the world (Christian world even) has labeled him "Thomas the Doubter"... that bothers me.
It's as if it's.. hm looked down upon to have doubts. That it is more blessed to have not seen and yet believe. For me, that scares me so completely because the thing I fear is a blind faith.
I don't want to follow blindly my parents' faith or blindly follow my church's teachings.
I don't want to be a sheep that follows another sheep off the cliff without realizing.
It bothers me. But I am glad that I am rereading these passages that I thought I knew so well from Sunday School. Because before today I had not had these two thoughts:
1. That it was not the Bible that labeled Thomas as Thomas the Doubter, but rather the world. It reminds me so often that I do not know God as closely as I thought I did - and how beautiful it is to get to know him more!
2. That Jesus will accommodate our unbelief. He does not leave Thomas doubting, but says "Stop doubting and believe." Isn't that beautiful? That God isn't a passive God that is just there, but rather one that runs after us! He loves us so dearly.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Hurr derp derp
Romans 7
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
...
24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
^ this. How do I stop? How do I start? Verse 25: Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Reminding me that sin only really stops through His grace, not my intensity or my will or my resolutions.
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
...
24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
^ this. How do I stop? How do I start? Verse 25: Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Reminding me that sin only really stops through His grace, not my intensity or my will or my resolutions.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Fear
Still flipping through Genesis. Hopefully I am reading diligently and not skimming through stories my eyes and ears have already remembered.
Genesis 18. I think I really really appreciate this passage when Abraham pleads for Sodom. If only ten people are righteous in this city... God would not destroy it. It shows exactly what I've sometimes wondered... does God listen to our prayers and even take them into account? Has everything been set in stone and our prayers are simply bits of words of our dedication to Him rather than a plea?
But Abraham asks, not once, not twice, but five times! And God responds each time.
It's been said before: pray bold prayers!
Let my prayers be bold and wide and lift up the people seeking to you, let this year be the year you reveal yourself to them. Let me be a tool in your hand. Let me pray these prayers. Always.
---
Personal Corner:
I guess I technically should be writing this in my more frequented blog, but whatever. Less eyes are probably better right now.
I've been getting rash up and down my arms. Today I got hit by a pounding headache around 11 pm. It's like my body's trying to scream at me, you're stressed~
It's the future, it's the people, it's the conversations, the disappointments, the overwhelming burden of the world. Aren't I hilarious? Thinking that the weight of the world is on my shoulders? Thank the Lord that I am not omniscient. I would implode. I've always wondered about knowledge and happiness... like why did God not want us to eat from the tree of good and evil, why the tower of babel was felled... And I'm not saying ignorance is bliss... (but is it? I don't think so), but it's like... why Moses couldn't see God's face directly. Too much for us to handle?
But I digress. I always do. Tangents upon tangents. Is it possible to feel this old and young at the same time? Old because I think I'm getting so much more cynical and tired. Young because I feel like I have only taken a couple steps from where I started.
This is going nowhere. It's like a stream of consciousness meandering off into crevices and cracks.
There is no conclusion.
Genesis 18. I think I really really appreciate this passage when Abraham pleads for Sodom. If only ten people are righteous in this city... God would not destroy it. It shows exactly what I've sometimes wondered... does God listen to our prayers and even take them into account? Has everything been set in stone and our prayers are simply bits of words of our dedication to Him rather than a plea?
But Abraham asks, not once, not twice, but five times! And God responds each time.
It's been said before: pray bold prayers!
Let my prayers be bold and wide and lift up the people seeking to you, let this year be the year you reveal yourself to them. Let me be a tool in your hand. Let me pray these prayers. Always.
---
Personal Corner:
I guess I technically should be writing this in my more frequented blog, but whatever. Less eyes are probably better right now.
I've been getting rash up and down my arms. Today I got hit by a pounding headache around 11 pm. It's like my body's trying to scream at me, you're stressed~
It's the future, it's the people, it's the conversations, the disappointments, the overwhelming burden of the world. Aren't I hilarious? Thinking that the weight of the world is on my shoulders? Thank the Lord that I am not omniscient. I would implode. I've always wondered about knowledge and happiness... like why did God not want us to eat from the tree of good and evil, why the tower of babel was felled... And I'm not saying ignorance is bliss... (but is it? I don't think so), but it's like... why Moses couldn't see God's face directly. Too much for us to handle?
But I digress. I always do. Tangents upon tangents. Is it possible to feel this old and young at the same time? Old because I think I'm getting so much more cynical and tired. Young because I feel like I have only taken a couple steps from where I started.
This is going nowhere. It's like a stream of consciousness meandering off into crevices and cracks.
There is no conclusion.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Ruth and Genesis
Reading through the Old Testament.
It's interesting because when going through the stories and even through the (sorta boring) genealogies, I start recognizing names. And they all point to Jesus.
Isn't it interesting? It's as if the Bible is chronicle of Jesus' ancestry. It really does tell the story of God! It's pretty amazing when I think it about it like that - like before it all happened, God already knew the people that would be a part of Jesus' birth. Incredible.
I still have problems reading through the OT though. I can't help myself from taking lines as is and just not being able to understand why.
Questions such as: how can God regret making mankind (Gen 6:6 ish) especially if he already has the foresight and all of that?
How can Lot so easily protect strangers (yes I know they are angels) and say, oh you can have my virgin daughters instead? (Gen 19:6-8) What in all blazes? Is this connected to the idea that we have to put Jesus before our mother and father? (Luke 14)
Luke 14
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
Sometimes OT boggles my mind because I can't understand it from my modern perspective. Sometimes I still have apologetic questions and I don't understand, which sometimes scares me because the idea of following someone I still don't understand makes me wonder if I am following blindly. Is it background? Is it parental influence? Is it selective blindness?
And I'm a leader in my fellowship. I've been baptized for years. And I still have doubts.
But it's times like these that I go back to what I know. I remind myself of the things that make the Bible so connected, remind myself of practical knowledge of knowledge Jesus did walk the earth, remind myself of the question of why the apostles would have such a marvelous change if Jesus were not resurrected from the dead, remind myself of the times I've felt God's presence, remind myself of the enormity of what Jesus did for me.
I'm still searching for answers. Maybe it'll never be fully answered. Stuff like, why three? why not five or six? But I'm still looking, I'm still asking. As long as I don't sweep these under the rug, I know it won't be blind.
And it is about faith. Ruth had faith. Abraham had faith. It's ridiculous the things they did in faith. But it all did work out well for God's glory. So faith.
---
Personal corner.
It's been hard lately. I'm going through that phase where I think no one can understand - even obviously that's never the case. But it still feels like that. And when I think about opening up to people, I want to curl up in bed and ignore the world.
I'm scared of being open with my fears and problems because I think it's embarrassing. I don't want to fail, I don't want to be seen as anything less than who I want to be, I don't want prying eyes into my life. I don't want judgement.
It's a trap. It's a trap because these are all the things that keep me from relying on community - and Christianity is never run by yourself. It's trap. I know. I've fallen in it before. But look at me, I'm doing it again. But I'm only human and God breaks me over and over.
And let me tell you, it hurts. Breaking is never easy.
I'm clinging to God right now, but I'm still hiding away. Look at me, don't I look fine?
Tomorrow I will be meeting up with my accountability partner. I guess the first thing I'll say will probably be something like... I'm not fine. Won't you listen why?
This is my song of right now:
this
It's interesting because when going through the stories and even through the (sorta boring) genealogies, I start recognizing names. And they all point to Jesus.
Isn't it interesting? It's as if the Bible is chronicle of Jesus' ancestry. It really does tell the story of God! It's pretty amazing when I think it about it like that - like before it all happened, God already knew the people that would be a part of Jesus' birth. Incredible.
I still have problems reading through the OT though. I can't help myself from taking lines as is and just not being able to understand why.
Questions such as: how can God regret making mankind (Gen 6:6 ish) especially if he already has the foresight and all of that?
How can Lot so easily protect strangers (yes I know they are angels) and say, oh you can have my virgin daughters instead? (Gen 19:6-8) What in all blazes? Is this connected to the idea that we have to put Jesus before our mother and father? (Luke 14)
Luke 14
25 Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. 27 And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
Sometimes OT boggles my mind because I can't understand it from my modern perspective. Sometimes I still have apologetic questions and I don't understand, which sometimes scares me because the idea of following someone I still don't understand makes me wonder if I am following blindly. Is it background? Is it parental influence? Is it selective blindness?
And I'm a leader in my fellowship. I've been baptized for years. And I still have doubts.
But it's times like these that I go back to what I know. I remind myself of the things that make the Bible so connected, remind myself of practical knowledge of knowledge Jesus did walk the earth, remind myself of the question of why the apostles would have such a marvelous change if Jesus were not resurrected from the dead, remind myself of the times I've felt God's presence, remind myself of the enormity of what Jesus did for me.
I'm still searching for answers. Maybe it'll never be fully answered. Stuff like, why three? why not five or six? But I'm still looking, I'm still asking. As long as I don't sweep these under the rug, I know it won't be blind.
And it is about faith. Ruth had faith. Abraham had faith. It's ridiculous the things they did in faith. But it all did work out well for God's glory. So faith.
---
Personal corner.
It's been hard lately. I'm going through that phase where I think no one can understand - even obviously that's never the case. But it still feels like that. And when I think about opening up to people, I want to curl up in bed and ignore the world.
I'm scared of being open with my fears and problems because I think it's embarrassing. I don't want to fail, I don't want to be seen as anything less than who I want to be, I don't want prying eyes into my life. I don't want judgement.
It's a trap. It's a trap because these are all the things that keep me from relying on community - and Christianity is never run by yourself. It's trap. I know. I've fallen in it before. But look at me, I'm doing it again. But I'm only human and God breaks me over and over.
And let me tell you, it hurts. Breaking is never easy.
I'm clinging to God right now, but I'm still hiding away. Look at me, don't I look fine?
Tomorrow I will be meeting up with my accountability partner. I guess the first thing I'll say will probably be something like... I'm not fine. Won't you listen why?
This is my song of right now:
this
Friday, August 17, 2012
GOING CRAZY
I am going crazy. It's not even the beginning of the school year and I'm already going mad trying to figure out everything.
BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN MY PROBLEMS.
Problem: I have a big God. SO HA.
Argh I really am going crazy though. That's why this is the verse of the day:
Psalm 29:11
BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN MY PROBLEMS.
Problem: I have a big God. SO HA.
Argh I really am going crazy though. That's why this is the verse of the day:
Psalm 29:11
The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
It's time like these that I need to concentrate on the important things. Not the frantic chicken-head-chopped-off craziness of before school scrambles, but to sit and meditate upon God. That, really, my problems are so little in comparison to such a big God! And the things that I'm stressing and worrying about are little mole hills instead of mountains.
There is only so much control we can profess to have over the future, and just realizing that God already knows what's in store is good enough for me right now.
Perhaps tomorrow will bring on storms and tribulations or desperate situations. But today... there's Psalm and peace.
a peaceful sigh. ha... :)
Thursday, August 16, 2012
ser
A pairing of verses that struck me today:
Matthew 22:37; 1 John 2:15
Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Oh these earthly ambitions.
Matthew 22:37; 1 John 2:15
Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Oh these earthly ambitions.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Ha
Isn't it great how sometimes you ask those questions and then they're answered so quickly through the Bible?
Going off of last times question on if you can accept God's love but not change... reading Colossians 3 makes a big difference.
Basically all of verses 1-15, but here's some high points:
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
Bahaha, okay so I lied and I just copy and pasted a whole heck of a lot, but it's okay because it's such a beautiful passage! Difficult, yes, but also beautiful.
And also it does reaffirm what happens when you accept his love.
---
Personal Corner:
So now I am going to meet up with my disciple-ee about the future. A little bit anxious, nay more than a little bit. But God is good.
Going off of last times question on if you can accept God's love but not change... reading Colossians 3 makes a big difference.
Basically all of verses 1-15, but here's some high points:
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.
Bahaha, okay so I lied and I just copy and pasted a whole heck of a lot, but it's okay because it's such a beautiful passage! Difficult, yes, but also beautiful.
And also it does reaffirm what happens when you accept his love.
---
Personal Corner:
So now I am going to meet up with my disciple-ee about the future. A little bit anxious, nay more than a little bit. But God is good.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Faith
A beautiful verse from Galatians 6:9
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
It was mentioned in today's sermon of how often we pray for something (cessation of a sin, or desiring desire again, etc) but don't really believe that God has the power to let it happen. It struck a chord in me, especially related to the thought that some constants sins of mine would be put to rest. And when it seems like I can't cut it out cold turkey, or even slowly out of my life, it seems so hard to keep believing in doing good.
That Galatians verse is so beautiful because it is both promise and reassurance.
Something sorely needed from time to time when the burden seems too heavy.
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
It was mentioned in today's sermon of how often we pray for something (cessation of a sin, or desiring desire again, etc) but don't really believe that God has the power to let it happen. It struck a chord in me, especially related to the thought that some constants sins of mine would be put to rest. And when it seems like I can't cut it out cold turkey, or even slowly out of my life, it seems so hard to keep believing in doing good.
That Galatians verse is so beautiful because it is both promise and reassurance.
Something sorely needed from time to time when the burden seems too heavy.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Durr
So the daily part petered out again. And I just realized I've never used "peter" in the written form before, only spoken. And man, it looks weird. Regardless, I have not been completely spiritually inactive, just blog inactive.
Had a great discussion on legalism the core of apathy with an awesome person a few days past that I'm going to try to translate here:
I think at the core of apathy is actually the belief that you have to earn your own salvation. That the verse you're reading, the daily quiet time you have, the going-to-church part is "necessary" for salvation. And that's when it becomes a burden, a bothersome weight that ties you down and makes you think, ugh why do I have to do this when there are so many other things to do? You might know in your head that you ought to want it, you ought to do it because it's the "right" thing to do. But still, you don't really feel like doing it.
My fellowship and I suppose my own mindset and background has mostly focused on the discipline part of getting through these apathetic pitfalls. It's all about doing. Read your bible every day. Go to prayer meeting, fellowship, and church. Care for people. Reach out to People. Desire and discipline, I always told myself. If you don't have the desire, well, you can still have the discipline. If you don't have the desire to do any of that, well discipline is there. True. But what happens when the discipline continues on for a long time and the desire doesn't hit?
Just looking at my own life and self, it just seems to me that the problem with this mindset is that it is very me-focused. I have to find the desire. I have to find the discipline. I have to do this and that in order to be what I know is a 'good' Christian.
Then you miss a day of daily devotion blogging (that's me), or skip a day of reading the Bible to sleep, or maybe even forgo prayer meetings to sit around, lounge and do nothing. Then the guilt starts settling in, for me at least. I should have and I could have, but I didn't. And well, you missed a day and nothing terrible happened, so maybe you can skip it today too. And that knot of guilt just sits there in your stomach, feeling a little bit heavier each day. But you dismiss it because while you know you should care and you should do it, it's too hard to muster up the amount of discipline for today. Maybe tomorrow. It's a bad cycle that turns into apathy.
But none of that matters because that wasn't really my point. See how good I am at digression? All of that was merely to get into the mind of people who struggle with apathy (which includes me many many times). But all of that is just leading to this idea: That none of it matters.
It doesn't matter if you don't care right now, or that you skipped daily prayers, or that you forgot to read the Bible for nigh on two months now. Because at the end of the day, God still loves you no matter what, and if you believe in Jesus Christ, you are still saved.
Sigh. Why is that so beautiful? Every single time I read that, I still can hardly believe it's that easy. It's so easy for me to think my salvation rests on the amount of Bible verses I read, or how spiritual I'm doing that week, or if I'm on top of my game spiritually. But it doesn't matter how much I do, because God still loves me.
I write that and now I feel a little foolish and a little selfish because love without conditions are hard for me to grasp in this give-and-take world. But that's alright because God loves you too.
I can't earn my salvation anymore that I can earn God's love. Because He already loves. And if that doesn't kill my apathy, I don't know what will. I want to want because He already wants me. If that makes any sense at all.
Now of course, this can all be turned on it's head and something along the lines of "oh, I guess I don't need to go to church or read the Bible or anything because God will love me anyway". Ha. Ha ha. Yes, technically true. But oh so very wrong.
Huh. I'm actually trying to think of a logical reason why that is wrong and I can't think of one right now. Maybe because I'm too tired. So if you think of one, leave me a comment. But I suppose I'm just thinking... that's not how it works. I suppose you don't have to love God back, that's freedom of choice and free will. You don't have to accept the gift of salvation, you don't have to accept God's love. But I guess that's not the issue... it's "can you accept God's love and not change/do anything?"
.... no. I decided. No. Because you can't take God's love and not change. You're changed just by seeing God's love at work or in action, shown in the Bible. Ignoring all of that and saying you accept God's love without changing means you haven't accept his love at all.
... I need to come back to this because I feel like there are some major holes in this logic and I am too tired to think about it right now. To be continued then.
---
My daily verse of the day was from Matthews
"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. if you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
urk. A good reminder for me when dealing with my parents who are trying to make sure I'm on a spiritually strong path. And like a typical parent, their questions make me want to throw righteousness in their faces and be like... see? I'm spiritual. I'm fine. Stop asking me ridiculous questions.
-____-" not good.
But it's a parent's prerogative haha.
Had a great discussion on legalism the core of apathy with an awesome person a few days past that I'm going to try to translate here:
I think at the core of apathy is actually the belief that you have to earn your own salvation. That the verse you're reading, the daily quiet time you have, the going-to-church part is "necessary" for salvation. And that's when it becomes a burden, a bothersome weight that ties you down and makes you think, ugh why do I have to do this when there are so many other things to do? You might know in your head that you ought to want it, you ought to do it because it's the "right" thing to do. But still, you don't really feel like doing it.
My fellowship and I suppose my own mindset and background has mostly focused on the discipline part of getting through these apathetic pitfalls. It's all about doing. Read your bible every day. Go to prayer meeting, fellowship, and church. Care for people. Reach out to People. Desire and discipline, I always told myself. If you don't have the desire, well, you can still have the discipline. If you don't have the desire to do any of that, well discipline is there. True. But what happens when the discipline continues on for a long time and the desire doesn't hit?
Just looking at my own life and self, it just seems to me that the problem with this mindset is that it is very me-focused. I have to find the desire. I have to find the discipline. I have to do this and that in order to be what I know is a 'good' Christian.
Then you miss a day of daily devotion blogging (that's me), or skip a day of reading the Bible to sleep, or maybe even forgo prayer meetings to sit around, lounge and do nothing. Then the guilt starts settling in, for me at least. I should have and I could have, but I didn't. And well, you missed a day and nothing terrible happened, so maybe you can skip it today too. And that knot of guilt just sits there in your stomach, feeling a little bit heavier each day. But you dismiss it because while you know you should care and you should do it, it's too hard to muster up the amount of discipline for today. Maybe tomorrow. It's a bad cycle that turns into apathy.
But none of that matters because that wasn't really my point. See how good I am at digression? All of that was merely to get into the mind of people who struggle with apathy (which includes me many many times). But all of that is just leading to this idea: That none of it matters.
It doesn't matter if you don't care right now, or that you skipped daily prayers, or that you forgot to read the Bible for nigh on two months now. Because at the end of the day, God still loves you no matter what, and if you believe in Jesus Christ, you are still saved.
Sigh. Why is that so beautiful? Every single time I read that, I still can hardly believe it's that easy. It's so easy for me to think my salvation rests on the amount of Bible verses I read, or how spiritual I'm doing that week, or if I'm on top of my game spiritually. But it doesn't matter how much I do, because God still loves me.
I write that and now I feel a little foolish and a little selfish because love without conditions are hard for me to grasp in this give-and-take world. But that's alright because God loves you too.
I can't earn my salvation anymore that I can earn God's love. Because He already loves. And if that doesn't kill my apathy, I don't know what will. I want to want because He already wants me. If that makes any sense at all.
Now of course, this can all be turned on it's head and something along the lines of "oh, I guess I don't need to go to church or read the Bible or anything because God will love me anyway". Ha. Ha ha. Yes, technically true. But oh so very wrong.
Huh. I'm actually trying to think of a logical reason why that is wrong and I can't think of one right now. Maybe because I'm too tired. So if you think of one, leave me a comment. But I suppose I'm just thinking... that's not how it works. I suppose you don't have to love God back, that's freedom of choice and free will. You don't have to accept the gift of salvation, you don't have to accept God's love. But I guess that's not the issue... it's "can you accept God's love and not change/do anything?"
.... no. I decided. No. Because you can't take God's love and not change. You're changed just by seeing God's love at work or in action, shown in the Bible. Ignoring all of that and saying you accept God's love without changing means you haven't accept his love at all.
... I need to come back to this because I feel like there are some major holes in this logic and I am too tired to think about it right now. To be continued then.
---
My daily verse of the day was from Matthews
"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. if you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
urk. A good reminder for me when dealing with my parents who are trying to make sure I'm on a spiritually strong path. And like a typical parent, their questions make me want to throw righteousness in their faces and be like... see? I'm spiritual. I'm fine. Stop asking me ridiculous questions.
-____-" not good.
But it's a parent's prerogative haha.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Lapse
So it didn't happen as I wanted. So much for the daily devotion I was hoping for. But I'm back again.
I had a pretty miserable dream yesterday. And I realized my worst dreams aren't the ones where I die or am scared to death, or whatever the cliche for nightmares are - rather, my worst dreams are the ones in which I fail.
I think that says a lot for who I am, I guess.
It probably also handicaps me too just because I'm so afraid of failure that I hesitate to even begin trying at tasks that are important to me.
So today's verse of the day on my phone was from Psalm 50:14-15
"Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High, and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."
Well isn't that quite a blow to my thought process. I've been depending on myself too much, thinking I can do it all as long as I try (though even starting to try is difficult sometimes).
But here, God's promise is so clear and sweet... maybe I won't succeed at what I do, but he will deliver me - and in this, hopefully I can honor Him.
I had a pretty miserable dream yesterday. And I realized my worst dreams aren't the ones where I die or am scared to death, or whatever the cliche for nightmares are - rather, my worst dreams are the ones in which I fail.
I think that says a lot for who I am, I guess.
It probably also handicaps me too just because I'm so afraid of failure that I hesitate to even begin trying at tasks that are important to me.
So today's verse of the day on my phone was from Psalm 50:14-15
"Sacrifice thank offerings to God, fulfill your vows to the Most High, and call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."
Well isn't that quite a blow to my thought process. I've been depending on myself too much, thinking I can do it all as long as I try (though even starting to try is difficult sometimes).
But here, God's promise is so clear and sweet... maybe I won't succeed at what I do, but he will deliver me - and in this, hopefully I can honor Him.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Cleanse
Romans 13
11 And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.
A reminder to keep my mind, soul, and body pure because the day is almost here when God will judge man's secrets through Jesus Christ.
11 And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.
A reminder to keep my mind, soul, and body pure because the day is almost here when God will judge man's secrets through Jesus Christ.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Fear of the Lord
Verse today:
Proverbs 22:4
Humility is the fear of the Lord; its wages are riches and honor and life.
In Romans there is a verse that says how men exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man, birds, animals, and reptiles.
How easily we throw away life for mere images... Keep my heart humble, Lord. Let me not take my salvation for granted, but hold onto it with trembling hands.
Proverbs 22:4
Humility is the fear of the Lord; its wages are riches and honor and life.
In Romans there is a verse that says how men exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man, birds, animals, and reptiles.
How easily we throw away life for mere images... Keep my heart humble, Lord. Let me not take my salvation for granted, but hold onto it with trembling hands.
Last Minute
Almost fell asleep at this wretched hour when I remembered I put this off for later. Almost felt like not doing it, but I'd regret it tomorrow. So here I am.
I think those words say how I'm feeling right now- apathetic and running away from my problems. So I looked up verses on rejoicing in the Lord to put my mind in the right place, rather than doing this for self satisfaction or duty. A couple of the verses that cut to the quick:
Philippians 4:4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
What an exhortation! Not simply to page through the Bible, but rather to read it and rejoice in the word God has given us.
And this chapter of Psalm struck me:
Psalm 104
33 I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the Lord.
The entire beginning was dedicated to the praises of God and the many blessings he has given. Oh, let these meditations be pleasing to him, let my heart be in the right place. Remind me of the joy found in the Lord, and Him alone.
I think those words say how I'm feeling right now- apathetic and running away from my problems. So I looked up verses on rejoicing in the Lord to put my mind in the right place, rather than doing this for self satisfaction or duty. A couple of the verses that cut to the quick:
Philippians 4:4
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
What an exhortation! Not simply to page through the Bible, but rather to read it and rejoice in the word God has given us.
And this chapter of Psalm struck me:
Psalm 104
33 I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the Lord.
The entire beginning was dedicated to the praises of God and the many blessings he has given. Oh, let these meditations be pleasing to him, let my heart be in the right place. Remind me of the joy found in the Lord, and Him alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)