Slowly

Sorta-confession: I've been reading through atheist blogs. Maybe because I'm testing to see if my faith can hold up to rebuttals and "rational" points and direct questions that somewhat attack and somewhat question my faith. Or maybe I'm a masochist. There's a blog called respectfulatheist and I found it at once intriguing and just a fascinating insight into an atheist's mind - especially because he/she? had been Christian once and still holds to many of the values, but just professes to not believe in the validity of the history or the Bible anymore.

It was actually a couple days ago, so I don't have specific thoughts to put down here (but I will in the future, I think)

But one thing I did realize a little later was that I was reading it while not focusing on the Bible myself. It's one thing to say I am testing my faith by reading through specific points and questions, and another thing to do it while not grounding myself in the Bible. But I do think it's important to do both, as incoherent as that may sound.

I don't want my faith to be irrational, I don't want my faith to be blind, I don't want to go into this faith purely on feelings and emotions because I don't even trust my own emotions for decisions in life (i.e. choosing to do this job or that major or this internship or going to an event, etc. there's gotta be a reason!).

But I don't think I'm in that "falling away" position right now because God does feel close (how ironic, when I mention how he "feels" close). But truly, he does~ seeing people grow and the Bible speak into my own life.

Regardless, getting back on track. I realized I was reading this blog without reading the Bible consistently and I started seriously considering - even though reading it is most likely a good thing, to ensure my foundations and beliefs and see where I stand with many events - I started considering how this is definitely a slippery slope.

I'm not quite a spiritual warfare girl (thoughts of Satan attacks and spirits etc make me very skeptical because I'm more inclined to think it's just human idiocy lol - not saying it doesn't exist, but I think a lot of things ppl attribute to spiritual warfare is human idiocy). But I mean, doubt is a breeding ground for disbelief and there's no point in fueling a potentially weak spot without a strong foundation of God.

And I also realized how inconsistent I was being. AGAIN. But that is the point of the blog as well, to always go back to God no matter how many times I've been unfaithful or forgetful.

I just about closed my eyes and breathed and just had to be still for a long moment after reading Romans 8. I was reminded of how beautiful and how lovely it was to know Romans so intimately that I wanted to go back and just read again.

But oh, oh oh. Romans 8: 22 - the end, clenches around my heart and I can feel the pulse of my blood and heart with each breath, that is how beautiful it is. When all sound falls away and there's nothing left but these words speaking truth, and oh what beautiful truth!

²² We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. ²³ Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. ²⁴ For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. ²⁷ And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

I cannot express the amount of sorrow I have felt inexplicably this week, of just being sad for no reason at all, as if there were something more, something that I just could not touch upon. The feelings that nothing I do matters and what is anything worth anymore? This describes it so perfectly, the wordless groan when we don't know what we ought to pray for. But still, to have hope for what we do not have yet, and knowing that the Spirit is always there interceding for us. Always always always. What can be more beautiful? What is more beautiful?

I must memorize this chapter. I need these verses to be written on my heart so that when I turn away and all I have are wordless groans I can be reminded of the hope that we do not yet have. 

---
Personal corner:
I've been dumped with a ton of revelations and information lately that I don't know how to file away properly. I'm under time constraints right now and I actually probably shouldn't be blogging because I don't really have the time. But my mind is exploding with thoughts and blogging always helps, so this will help. 
It's drama and not drama, it's new food for thoughts, it's confusing, it's people. It's people. It's relationships. 
I don't know what I feel or what I think yet. I need time to mull things over. Who has time nowaday?
But I should always have time for God ^^

False Devotion

Titled it false devotion because I've been fooling myself for the past couple of days that I've been doing okay spiritually.

These past few days have been pretty rough with seriously lack of sleep and teetering on the very slick edge of that introvert mountain.

Overwhelming myself with the regrets that I haven't been able to everything I wanted to do senior year, the practical things left undone, the words unsaid, the future what ifs and maybes and what if not's...

These past few days have been a series of thinking of abiding in God, but never actually sitting down in full prayer or full devotion. I throw a thought up to God or mumble a quick prayer before bed and quickly collapse into oblivion since my body is that unrested. Foolish girl that I am.

So today I remedy this. It's almost easier to write in this blog and also pretend it's devotion. Cut and paste a bible verse teehee done. But no.

Today is not a Genesis day because I don't have the strength to face the questions and confusion of the old testament. I will return later, soon, quickly, hopefully. Today is about John 7... because that's what appeared in my daily bible verse thing... but also because it's about hope and refocusing life.

Jesus' words are so heart-wrenchingly true, to me the sinner. He says: "My time is not yet here; for you any time will do."
And isn't that so true to me? In both ways, in my life and also for God. I say now, tomorrow, this coming year, please and thanks God. But God says not now, wait. And I am confused and hurt and I don't understand. But for me, any time will do, why not now? God has his own timing, that is perfect and right and accurate and true. And for cell group, for other people, for my own spiritual life, I say, why not show yourself with such clarity to those who are seeking you tomorrow? Or maybe by the end of the year so I can see your work? Why not just teach me all the lessons I need to learn by tomorrow? But for me, any time will do.

And the funny thing is, after he told his brothers he would not go yet because it was not his time, he went in secret. Not with a thousand blazing trumpets and a fanfare that announced his presence, but quietly and secretly and only his teaching set his apart. I say tomorrow, God says wait, but he is still working in secret as I struggle with patience and learning God's timing.

This is what I need to learn for med school future, for this senior year, for my life.

It's hard for me lift these things up in prayer today because my heart hurts. Haa.. what a thing to say, how does a heart hurt? But it truly aches and longs. I am so unsatisfied with the world, when I think of all the things around me, of my accomplishments and my failures and what I have spent my time in my life, it's like a chasing after the wind. I don't even know if I could explain this feeling to my future self, but it wells up in the throat like the precursor of tears and settles like a pressure on my heart. It's the tension between the brows and the strain of the neck and the realization that I might be half a kind word away from crying about nothing, something, everything. It's the acknowledgement of the things done in life, and coming out untouched. What next, what left, what more?
But it is not my first instinct to turn to God however obvious it is that it seems like I'm longing for God's peace and presence.
Ha, it's definitely not.
Rather I turn to myself, inward, and I drown myself in a binge of things that stimulate my mind to see if I can find something that sparks a little interest here. Or maybe I do it to while away the time. And then I try to push those feelings out and away and tuck them into the back of my mind under a dusty tarp of forgetfulness to concentrate on the now and here and the practical things. That usually works, and i promptly go on until the next time I lie in bed and wonder why my heart aches.

God, oh my soul. God, oh God.
What poor words I have to use.
God, Father, Savior.
Amen.

ah

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.

-Exodus 14:14

 

Ah, just wow. This is so beautiful. 

There are so many times when I'm crying out and so desperate to keep moving, thinking that I'm stuck in a rut in my life -why aren't things changing? why is it like this? why can't I change myself?-

 

But God is there, even when it's hard.

 

And then reading the rest of the chapter, God tells the Israelites to move on because he will open the way for them. 

 

this is what it means to fall in love with God over and over again when faced with his deliverance. 

okay

it's been a while, life's been getting in the way.
BUT WAIT. Priorities, right?
Things will always get in the way if we don't make time for God.
the struggle between importance and urgency. it's hard.

got a chain email today. meh, it was a bible verse propagation. Not sure if I like that it's a chain mail, but i sent it out anyway. am i spamming people?! ...with bible verses? huh.

But this is the verse i sent along:

³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Bolded and enlarged for emphasis. 
haha actually no, that's how i copy and pasted it. 

But yeah, I do really like these verses. 

tired prayers

So I decided to put this here instead of other blog since it's more devotional than God thoughts, which belongs in the other one.

Went to prayer meeting today where I heard a friend-quantince talk more than I've heard him talk in more than 2 years O.o
But they had a nice little thing of reading the news and praying for whatever was on your heart.
I sat looking at the newspaper for about five minutes and could not stop thinking about how little I wanted to pray. I couldn't 'feel' it, it was like an assignment for a class that assigned busy work, I kept thinking about work and quizzes and studying and classes and how busy I was going to be tomorrow (very).

So instead I prayed for God to just let me have that hour to dedicate to him in prayer.

It was fruitful.

It was from the heart when I prayed for God to open my heart and let me be more vulnerable.

i am dead tired. Absolutely tired, lack of sleep headaches and all. But it was good. One of those moments when it feels like God is close.

I will do my devos soon, so I'll probably just edit this later. Later.

-edit-
I could not concentrate. My head is almost spinning from weariness. I read through a little of Psalm and the way each one cries out to the Lord.
I shall do that tonight as well. 

A continuation

This is actually not going to be from my devos, but from Sunday School.
So I went to the Joshua class, which is focusing on the book of Joshua (trying to understand the circumstances and the events and then understand what we can take away from it).

And I come out of the class a little more frustrated and a little more understanding at the end.

Frustrating because I realize now why I have so many misconceptions about stories in the Bible that I've heard from my younger years (Vacation Bible School, bible story time, etc). It's because classes that focuses on text encourage questions and then allows the class to speculate about the answer. For example, in Joshua we focused on ch 1 and 2. Chapter 2 mostly starred Rahab, the prostitute that let the two spies escape by a red cord from Jericho.

And then the teacher opened up the floor to questions - to which people asked stuff like:
What's the number of people in Jericho?
Is Rahab a prostitute or an inn keeper?
Why did the spies go to a prostitute? (joke answer from the class: that's where men go)
How can Rahab be so blessed by God when she was a traitor and she lied?
How did the king know Rahab personally?

etc.

And then the class also tried to answer those questions, which begot many many speculations and various theories.

THIS. This is where I felt a little frustrated and a little understanding at the same time. Frustrated because I feel as if my memory fogs up these moments of speculation and somehow inadvertently takes a few of these answers as truth (and then my mind assumes it was in the Bible when they were just good guess and theories and speculation). Just like when I assumed the Bible called Thomas specifically "Thomas the Doubter" rather than Jesus telling him not to doubt.
But understanding because pondering and truly seeking for answers to our questions is the only way we can grow closer to God. It's not just enough to read the text, but to meditate upon it and write it on our hearts.

See? What a frustrating annoyance. I guess I'll just be more mindful of what people say about the text (commentary) versus what's in the Bible and remind myself to distinguish the two better.

A verse to leave you with:
Hebrews 11: 1-2
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for.

You ought to read all of Hebrews 11. I think I'm just blown away by Hebrews 11 right now because it shows just how cohesive the Bible is.
Questions that I ask from the Old Testament become more clear after reading this chapter.

And the overall theme here is faith.

-edit-
/failflop
ah note to self: no more talking to the reader unless it's directly aimed at myself. Despite the "selfish" sounding nature of that statement, this is my blog so it is what it is.
Also, thinking about a potential audience makes this blog a little less real, I think. It makes me consider the regards of others too much as I write about struggles. It makes me want to hide my questions and only reveal my revelations and understanding. I suppose thinking on my other blog and reading others in my friend circle, I notice that trend a lot where people keep posting glorious moments of feeling close to God and lovely epiphanies that God revealed to them and little God hunts and moments where their lives are intersecting with God's will and plan. And then I start to ponder my blog posts where I write out questions and struggles and difficult times and I have the furious urge to go back and delete delete delete and not let anyone see it. But this is a blog to devote everything to God, both confusion and utter despair along with the joy and encouragement of God speaking through His words.

OT

Been reading through the OT still. This brings up so many questions, honestly. I can't read through a text without having the voice in the back of my mind mutter and analyze and ask why why why?
Why does God say those words after the tower of Babel was built?
Why was a wife for Isaac found so easily? (faith - that was the conclusion my discipler and I came up with)
Why destruction?
Why allow Ishmael to raise up a group of people who are mostly going to be doomed?
Why do sons have to reap the sorrows and the sins of the father?

Also thinking about what it means to have a childlike faith.
What does that mean, truly? People who use that phrase, what does it mean?
Is it the ignorance of a child? The naivety? The wonder and excitement? The trust in the unknown? The gullibility?

Thinking about doubts. It just bothers me so much that Thomas is called Thomas the Doubter because he has to touch Jesus' wounds before he believes.
I copy the transcript here from John 20:

²⁴ Now Thomas (also known as Didymus^[a]), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. ²⁵ So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”
²⁶ A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” ²⁷ Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
²⁸ Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
²⁹ Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
 Doesn't that sound like us so often? Unless I see, I will not believe. I suppose it also means that Jesus will accommodate even our unbelief and reach out to us and let us touch his wounds until we believe. It's just lines like that last line and that the world (Christian world even) has labeled him "Thomas the Doubter"... that bothers me.
It's as if it's.. hm looked down upon to have doubts. That it is more blessed to have not seen and yet believe. For me, that scares me so completely because the thing I fear is a blind faith.
I don't want to follow blindly my parents' faith or blindly follow my church's teachings.
I don't want to be a sheep that follows another sheep off the cliff without realizing.

It bothers me. But I am glad that I am rereading these passages that I thought I knew so well from Sunday School. Because before today I had not had these two thoughts:
1. That it was not the Bible that labeled Thomas as Thomas the Doubter, but rather the world. It reminds me so often that I do not know God as closely as I thought I did - and how beautiful it is to get to know him more!
2. That Jesus will accommodate our unbelief. He does not leave Thomas doubting, but says "Stop doubting and believe." Isn't that beautiful? That God isn't a passive God that is just there, but rather one that runs after us! He loves us so dearly.

Hurr derp derp

<sup>Romans 7 

15</sup> I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
...
 ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!


^ this. How do I stop? How do I start? Verse 25: Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Reminding me that sin only really stops through His grace, not my intensity or my will or my resolutions.