seed

I have been neglecting this blog for a while since I've been having really late nights recently due to my college's 100th year celebration. Even now is pretty late >.<

I've been thinking a lot recently and my thoughts are a little scattered, but that's alright.

I tend to enjoy reading light novels instead of the Bible in my free time, to the point where I'll just spend three hours or so to finish - ignoring everything else until I'm done.

Today I read one of CS Lewis' works: Till We Have Faces.

It is really truly beautiful and forces me to stop and think and think because I am not certain what I am thinking or feeling right now. But the title is really the heart of the book, and almost the raison d'etre for why he wrote the book.

“I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer . . . Why should they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?”

The implications of beauty and of selfishness and love and blindness are all in here. I am at once raising an eyebrow at the way he uses Greek mythology and their gods to allude to God himself, and another just blown away.

Another verse from 1 Corinthians 13
“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

I had not known. My search on CS Lewis also brought me to the Lewis trilemma and thoughts about how Jesus cannot be a great moral teacher but not God (he must be a liar, a madman, or God). Which makes me want to read Mere Christianity again ish.

There so much I still don't know about my own faith, revelations and apologetics and theories and just understanding. How can I say that I am comfortable with where I am in my relationship with God? I might think I am doing well, but more and more I want to know more of God and who He is and more and more of who I am so that this faith is grounded in truth.

I don't understand

I don't understand so many things in the Bible. I also realize that I can so easily take things at face value and think I know it, but when I stop and ask what it means, I really can't answer it.

I'm heading back to Romans because I was really sad that I didn't know a verse my pastor referenced last Saturday. I'll go back to Genesis when I feel a little more grounded again. I think I can only take OT in small periods of time because then I start wandering off and forgetting the importance of the Word. OT is just so darn hard to relate to and make it into something that I understand fully of why it's in the Bible besides a history of some sorts. So back to Romans.

I guess also just in the personal corner as well... I've been really really depriving my body of sleep because I keep trying to use that time to recoup (as an introvert, lol) from the day. It's horrid and unhealthy and I'm constantly tired. But even more than that, this week has just been really hard because I couldn't make up for my sleep debt on the weekends because of other programs and commitments. I've been finding myself grumpy and frustrated at closest friends and family, annoyed at people's requests and people nattering at me. I can feel myself in that moments of suspended air where I'm just about to tumble into introvert land where I can't deal with people anymore and all I want to do is eat alone, study alone, be alone.

But another things is also this: this daily devotion thing. I've been slacking. Ughhh how many times do I come here to write that? The later I sleep, the less likely I would write here, the less likely I'm going to seriously sit down and read my Bible. The less likely I am to seriously pray. And I think that contributes a lot for why I don't want to meet up with people recently too. Because I have nothing of God in my heart recently, only tiredness frustration and self me myself in my heart.

But yes, back to the actual devotion part.
Romans. I'm trying to memorize Romans 6 even though I'm currently loving Romans 8 right now, but it's a progression. I'll get there eventually. It went la di la da da for a while, but there's something about memorizing that forces me to just truly think and know the words that I memorize, otherwise I'd forget. And there's this phrase in the first paragraph that I just have to stop on.
We died to sin. Romans 6:2
I've read and heard this verse multiple times, many times in my life. But what does it actually mean? How can one die to something? Is it like the phrase, he died to tuberculosis. ?
He died to an illness, she died to cancer.
We died to sin. We died because of sin. We died because sin was living in us and that is why we died.
Ah, it makes sense now. But the next part of it: "so how can we live in it any longer?"
One cannot live in a disease, can they? She lived in cancer. No, doesn't make sense.
Live in it? Is it like living in filth. He lived in squalor. She lived in filth and dirt. Like so?
So we died to sin, like a person might to a disease, so thus how can we live in sin, as a person might live in filth, any longer?
Is this how I should interpret this verse? Yes, for now. And thinking this through, hopefully it will be written on my heart. That I can fully understand that I have died to sin, I am a sinful person, but after being saved by Christ and the redemption from his blood, how can I live in sin, how could I even imagine continue to sin any longer?

Verses 3 and 4 point this out very poignantly I think.
³ Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? ⁴ We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

So that we too may live a new life. 

let me live a new life, let me remember to live a new life instead of wallowing in my filth and sin day by day. Let me remember that Christ overcame death, and through him, I have a new life. 






 
Memorize 1-4 for today. Tomorrow, I will blog. I won't put it off. Let my yes be a yes.
In Christ,
Amen

Unwilling soul

My soul is an unwilling soul. I try to cajole it and soothe and beg and plead for it to come out of it's dank, dirty corner where the only comforts are self-pity and self-absorption, and those are no comforts at all.
When I leave that corner and experience such wonderful things, love, trust, joy, hope, understanding, it's marvelous and I think I can stay in the light forever.
But for some unknown reason, I always seem to crawl back to that corner again.
My soul is an unwilling soul.

I tell myself to dive into the Word, to bury it in my heart and immerse my soul in there. But my soul hesitates over the edge of the pool, careful to not even dip a toe into the clear clear waters.

I must remind myself over and over again to just jump.

More

On prayer and devotion:
It was odd, really. Sometimes I have these flashes of moments where I desperately want something - whether it's to get into a good school, or to do well, or to hear from my family, or even something trivial like losing a pound or two. And the second thought that comes right after that is: what would i be willing to trade or give up for this desperate something? Sometimes I bargain with God and say, oh if you let this happen, I'll be more devoted. I'll never doubt in you again. So reveal yourself to me, let me have this thing I desperately want, please?
Or in my more crazy I might weigh this desire against other things important to me, such as relationships and intelligence and confidence or whatnot. And then I wonder, would I give up some of my intelligence (iono, IQ) to gain this thing that I want? And would I give up a friend for this (this is dangerous thinking)?
And then I shake my head and banish all thoughts because this line of thought is crazy crazy crazy. Especially saying it out in this blog is kinda even more crazy because crazy thoughts sometimes only belong in the head, not spoken to the world. And God is no vending machine god that rolls out a can of happiness, a bottle of answered prayers, at the push of a button or the touch of a prayer.
Life isn't a bargain deal where you can trade in things to get things you desperately want. There's no fixed amount of karma or luck or whatever to buy and sell. There's only God and his will.

I write all of this because it will set the scene for what I say next. Keep this in mind, my future self, because I find that you always forget lessons over and over.
I bargained for something I desperately wanted a few days ago in my head, telling God that if he let me have this I would never doubt again. I would be more diligent. I would know it's his confirmation that my choice was the right path for me.
I stopped and laughed it off. Silly me, what a silly girl to keep bargaining with God. What a silly girl to keep trying to make God into a vending machine.

And then two days ago it happened. I was shocked and stunned and just overwhelmed. I was relieved and ecstatic and everything. I collapsed on my bed and just praised God.

Yesterday I found myself bargaining again. Something more, please God. Just a little more of this thing that I desperately want, please. I will never doubt again.

This is what I need to remember: it is not enough, the things of this world.
The thing that I so desperately wanted and craved, God provided. But the happiness of that thing I desperately wanted and begged for quickly dissipated and I took it for granted again and set my eyes on the next thing that made my heart yearn. Happiness in this world is fleeting.

Instead, running after God is a joy that never ends. He is where I must put all my hope and trust. He is the thing that I should desperately want and plead for. He is the thing that I should bargain away my entire life and chase after.
The kingdom of heaven is like a pearl. When the merchant finds it, he sells everything he has and buys it.
The kingdom of heaven is like buried treasure. When the man discovers it, he sells all he has and buys the land.

This is what I need to remember: God is enough. God is joy.

A prayer

Lord,
Let my life be for your glory.
The struggles and troubles, as well as the joys and praises.
Turn my life towards you.
Fix my eyes on you.
Let me remember nothing I have is truly mine.
Let me not take for granted the good things that happen.
Blessed Father, Almighty one, Savior.
Let this be yours.
Amen.