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On prayer and devotion:
It was odd, really. Sometimes I have these flashes of moments where I desperately want something - whether it's to get into a good school, or to do well, or to hear from my family, or even something trivial like losing a pound or two. And the second thought that comes right after that is: what would i be willing to trade or give up for this desperate something? Sometimes I bargain with God and say, oh if you let this happen, I'll be more devoted. I'll never doubt in you again. So reveal yourself to me, let me have this thing I desperately want, please?
Or in my more crazy I might weigh this desire against other things important to me, such as relationships and intelligence and confidence or whatnot. And then I wonder, would I give up some of my intelligence (iono, IQ) to gain this thing that I want? And would I give up a friend for this (this is dangerous thinking)?
And then I shake my head and banish all thoughts because this line of thought is crazy crazy crazy. Especially saying it out in this blog is kinda even more crazy because crazy thoughts sometimes only belong in the head, not spoken to the world. And God is no vending machine god that rolls out a can of happiness, a bottle of answered prayers, at the push of a button or the touch of a prayer.
Life isn't a bargain deal where you can trade in things to get things you desperately want. There's no fixed amount of karma or luck or whatever to buy and sell. There's only God and his will.

I write all of this because it will set the scene for what I say next. Keep this in mind, my future self, because I find that you always forget lessons over and over.
I bargained for something I desperately wanted a few days ago in my head, telling God that if he let me have this I would never doubt again. I would be more diligent. I would know it's his confirmation that my choice was the right path for me.
I stopped and laughed it off. Silly me, what a silly girl to keep bargaining with God. What a silly girl to keep trying to make God into a vending machine.

And then two days ago it happened. I was shocked and stunned and just overwhelmed. I was relieved and ecstatic and everything. I collapsed on my bed and just praised God.

Yesterday I found myself bargaining again. Something more, please God. Just a little more of this thing that I desperately want, please. I will never doubt again.

This is what I need to remember: it is not enough, the things of this world.
The thing that I so desperately wanted and craved, God provided. But the happiness of that thing I desperately wanted and begged for quickly dissipated and I took it for granted again and set my eyes on the next thing that made my heart yearn. Happiness in this world is fleeting.

Instead, running after God is a joy that never ends. He is where I must put all my hope and trust. He is the thing that I should desperately want and plead for. He is the thing that I should bargain away my entire life and chase after.
The kingdom of heaven is like a pearl. When the merchant finds it, he sells everything he has and buys it.
The kingdom of heaven is like buried treasure. When the man discovers it, he sells all he has and buys the land.

This is what I need to remember: God is enough. God is joy.