Sorta-confession: I've been reading through atheist blogs. Maybe because I'm testing to see if my faith can hold up to rebuttals and "rational" points and direct questions that somewhat attack and somewhat question my faith. Or maybe I'm a masochist. There's a blog called respectfulatheist and I found it at once intriguing and just a fascinating insight into an atheist's mind - especially because he/she? had been Christian once and still holds to many of the values, but just professes to not believe in the validity of the history or the Bible anymore.
It was actually a couple days ago, so I don't have specific thoughts to put down here (but I will in the future, I think)
But one thing I did realize a little later was that I was reading it while not focusing on the Bible myself. It's one thing to say I am testing my faith by reading through specific points and questions, and another thing to do it while not grounding myself in the Bible. But I do think it's important to do both, as incoherent as that may sound.
I don't want my faith to be irrational, I don't want my faith to be blind, I don't want to go into this faith purely on feelings and emotions because I don't even trust my own emotions for decisions in life (i.e. choosing to do this job or that major or this internship or going to an event, etc. there's gotta be a reason!).
But I don't think I'm in that "falling away" position right now because God does feel close (how ironic, when I mention how he "feels" close). But truly, he does~ seeing people grow and the Bible speak into my own life.
Regardless, getting back on track. I realized I was reading this blog without reading the Bible consistently and I started seriously considering - even though reading it is most likely a good thing, to ensure my foundations and beliefs and see where I stand with many events - I started considering how this is definitely a slippery slope.
I'm not quite a spiritual warfare girl (thoughts of Satan attacks and spirits etc make me very skeptical because I'm more inclined to think it's just human idiocy lol - not saying it doesn't exist, but I think a lot of things ppl attribute to spiritual warfare is human idiocy). But I mean, doubt is a breeding ground for disbelief and there's no point in fueling a potentially weak spot without a strong foundation of God.
And I also realized how inconsistent I was being. AGAIN. But that is the point of the blog as well, to always go back to God no matter how many times I've been unfaithful or forgetful.
I just about closed my eyes and breathed and just had to be still for a long moment after reading Romans 8. I was reminded of how beautiful and how lovely it was to know Romans so intimately that I wanted to go back and just read again.
But oh, oh oh. Romans 8: 22 - the end, clenches around my heart and I can feel the pulse of my blood and heart with each breath, that is how beautiful it is. When all sound falls away and there's nothing left but these words speaking truth, and oh what beautiful truth!
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
I cannot express the amount of sorrow I have felt inexplicably this week, of just being sad for no reason at all, as if there were something more, something that I just could not touch upon. The feelings that nothing I do matters and what is anything worth anymore? This describes it so perfectly, the wordless groan when we don't know what we ought to pray for. But still, to have hope for what we do not have yet, and knowing that the Spirit is always there interceding for us. Always always always. What can be more beautiful? What is more beautiful?
I must memorize this chapter. I need these verses to be written on my heart so that when I turn away and all I have are wordless groans I can be reminded of the hope that we do not yet have.
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Personal corner:
I've been dumped with a ton of revelations and information lately that I don't know how to file away properly. I'm under time constraints right now and I actually probably shouldn't be blogging because I don't really have the time. But my mind is exploding with thoughts and blogging always helps, so this will help.
It's drama and not drama, it's new food for thoughts, it's confusing, it's people. It's people. It's relationships.
I don't know what I feel or what I think yet. I need time to mull things over. Who has time nowaday?
But I should always have time for God ^^
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