False Devotion

Titled it false devotion because I've been fooling myself for the past couple of days that I've been doing okay spiritually.

These past few days have been pretty rough with seriously lack of sleep and teetering on the very slick edge of that introvert mountain.

Overwhelming myself with the regrets that I haven't been able to everything I wanted to do senior year, the practical things left undone, the words unsaid, the future what ifs and maybes and what if not's...

These past few days have been a series of thinking of abiding in God, but never actually sitting down in full prayer or full devotion. I throw a thought up to God or mumble a quick prayer before bed and quickly collapse into oblivion since my body is that unrested. Foolish girl that I am.

So today I remedy this. It's almost easier to write in this blog and also pretend it's devotion. Cut and paste a bible verse teehee done. But no.

Today is not a Genesis day because I don't have the strength to face the questions and confusion of the old testament. I will return later, soon, quickly, hopefully. Today is about John 7... because that's what appeared in my daily bible verse thing... but also because it's about hope and refocusing life.

Jesus' words are so heart-wrenchingly true, to me the sinner. He says: "My time is not yet here; for you any time will do."
And isn't that so true to me? In both ways, in my life and also for God. I say now, tomorrow, this coming year, please and thanks God. But God says not now, wait. And I am confused and hurt and I don't understand. But for me, any time will do, why not now? God has his own timing, that is perfect and right and accurate and true. And for cell group, for other people, for my own spiritual life, I say, why not show yourself with such clarity to those who are seeking you tomorrow? Or maybe by the end of the year so I can see your work? Why not just teach me all the lessons I need to learn by tomorrow? But for me, any time will do.

And the funny thing is, after he told his brothers he would not go yet because it was not his time, he went in secret. Not with a thousand blazing trumpets and a fanfare that announced his presence, but quietly and secretly and only his teaching set his apart. I say tomorrow, God says wait, but he is still working in secret as I struggle with patience and learning God's timing.

This is what I need to learn for med school future, for this senior year, for my life.

It's hard for me lift these things up in prayer today because my heart hurts. Haa.. what a thing to say, how does a heart hurt? But it truly aches and longs. I am so unsatisfied with the world, when I think of all the things around me, of my accomplishments and my failures and what I have spent my time in my life, it's like a chasing after the wind. I don't even know if I could explain this feeling to my future self, but it wells up in the throat like the precursor of tears and settles like a pressure on my heart. It's the tension between the brows and the strain of the neck and the realization that I might be half a kind word away from crying about nothing, something, everything. It's the acknowledgement of the things done in life, and coming out untouched. What next, what left, what more?
But it is not my first instinct to turn to God however obvious it is that it seems like I'm longing for God's peace and presence.
Ha, it's definitely not.
Rather I turn to myself, inward, and I drown myself in a binge of things that stimulate my mind to see if I can find something that sparks a little interest here. Or maybe I do it to while away the time. And then I try to push those feelings out and away and tuck them into the back of my mind under a dusty tarp of forgetfulness to concentrate on the now and here and the practical things. That usually works, and i promptly go on until the next time I lie in bed and wonder why my heart aches.

God, oh my soul. God, oh God.
What poor words I have to use.
God, Father, Savior.
Amen.