So the daily part petered out again. And I just realized I've never used "peter" in the written form before, only spoken. And man, it looks weird. Regardless, I have not been completely spiritually inactive, just blog inactive.
Had a great discussion on legalism the core of apathy with an awesome person a few days past that I'm going to try to translate here:
I think at the core of apathy is actually the belief that you have to earn your own salvation. That the verse you're reading, the daily quiet time you have, the going-to-church part is "necessary" for salvation. And that's when it becomes a burden, a bothersome weight that ties you down and makes you think, ugh why do I have to do this when there are so many other things to do? You might know in your head that you ought to want it, you ought to do it because it's the "right" thing to do. But still, you don't really feel like doing it.
My fellowship and I suppose my own mindset and background has mostly focused on the discipline part of getting through these apathetic pitfalls. It's all about doing. Read your bible every day. Go to prayer meeting, fellowship, and church. Care for people. Reach out to People. Desire and discipline, I always told myself. If you don't have the desire, well, you can still have the discipline. If you don't have the desire to do any of that, well discipline is there. True. But what happens when the discipline continues on for a long time and the desire doesn't hit?
Just looking at my own life and self, it just seems to me that the problem with this mindset is that it is very me-focused. I have to find the desire. I have to find the discipline. I have to do this and that in order to be what I know is a 'good' Christian.
Then you miss a day of daily devotion blogging (that's me), or skip a day of reading the Bible to sleep, or maybe even forgo prayer meetings to sit around, lounge and do nothing. Then the guilt starts settling in, for me at least. I should have and I could have, but I didn't. And well, you missed a day and nothing terrible happened, so maybe you can skip it today too. And that knot of guilt just sits there in your stomach, feeling a little bit heavier each day. But you dismiss it because while you know you should care and you should do it, it's too hard to muster up the amount of discipline for today. Maybe tomorrow. It's a bad cycle that turns into apathy.
But none of that matters because that wasn't really my point. See how good I am at digression? All of that was merely to get into the mind of people who struggle with apathy (which includes me many many times). But all of that is just leading to this idea: That none of it matters.
It doesn't matter if you don't care right now, or that you skipped daily prayers, or that you forgot to read the Bible for nigh on two months now. Because at the end of the day, God still loves you no matter what, and if you believe in Jesus Christ, you are still saved.
Sigh. Why is that so beautiful? Every single time I read that, I still can hardly believe it's that easy. It's so easy for me to think my salvation rests on the amount of Bible verses I read, or how spiritual I'm doing that week, or if I'm on top of my game spiritually. But it doesn't matter how much I do, because God still loves me.
I write that and now I feel a little foolish and a little selfish because love without conditions are hard for me to grasp in this give-and-take world. But that's alright because God loves you too.
I can't earn my salvation anymore that I can earn God's love. Because He already loves. And if that doesn't kill my apathy, I don't know what will. I want to want because He already wants me. If that makes any sense at all.
Now of course, this can all be turned on it's head and something along the lines of "oh, I guess I don't need to go to church or read the Bible or anything because God will love me anyway". Ha. Ha ha. Yes, technically true. But oh so very wrong.
Huh. I'm actually trying to think of a logical reason why that is wrong and I can't think of one right now. Maybe because I'm too tired. So if you think of one, leave me a comment. But I suppose I'm just thinking... that's not how it works. I suppose you don't have to love God back, that's freedom of choice and free will. You don't have to accept the gift of salvation, you don't have to accept God's love. But I guess that's not the issue... it's "can you accept God's love and not change/do anything?"
.... no. I decided. No. Because you can't take God's love and not change. You're changed just by seeing God's love at work or in action, shown in the Bible. Ignoring all of that and saying you accept God's love without changing means you haven't accept his love at all.
... I need to come back to this because I feel like there are some major holes in this logic and I am too tired to think about it right now. To be continued then.
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My daily verse of the day was from Matthews
"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. if you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven."
urk. A good reminder for me when dealing with my parents who are trying to make sure I'm on a spiritually strong path. And like a typical parent, their questions make me want to throw righteousness in their faces and be like... see? I'm spiritual. I'm fine. Stop asking me ridiculous questions.
-____-" not good.
But it's a parent's prerogative haha.
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