change?

i might need to change my format. I've been predominately looking at the daily bible verse and meditating on that - but it's not consistent and it's not focusing on the books I want to read through and through. So after this, I'll probably shift back to Genesis or Romans. Probably Genesis. I think I'm doing okay.

One thing of note lately: I have been complacent. That idea that "I'm doing okay" is such an easy thing for me to slip on forget to keep on going. I start thinking, oh no worries, I'm good, I'm fine. And I stop thinking of ways to improve and change. Ugh.
Got a reality check yesterday with S-. But back to the reality check: I had not realized the lack of deep sharing in fellowship. She suggested a change of format, of focusing on the important things rather than the discussion, a change of mindset, and an increase of vulnerability. I sat and listened and was like... ah.. yes. Because I've been feeling the things that she mentioned, but she put it into words and cut to the core of the problem. She's really amazing, I can't even.  She's someone I look up to, spiritually.
(This is a tangent). Sometimes I wonder how I could ever get there, as if there are miles between where I'm standing and where I should be. Or how she is able to tie her life back to God, always. Is it that some people find it easier to share, to be that conscious of God? I don't know. Or even prayer. I think the way she prays is very similar to another leader when I was a freshmen who I also looked up to: it was real and true, and so.. heart-felt. I don't know the right words. But sometimes when I pray, I feel like these words are just trite phrases and sentences that I've heard from sermons and other prayers and songs. Not all the time. Sometimes. What does it mean to pray truly from the heart? To remind myself of how to pray. I need to spend more time in prayer.
.... this really is a tangent. Ending it here. These are just thoughts, not really part of my daily devotional >.<

The conclusion and realization: I've been complacent and saw the routine of my fellowship as something easy and no longer needed my full attention and concentration. I need to change my heart, maybe change format and structure, change my mindset. Change. Only happens with Jesus.

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Daily verse:

This is super short, so here's the whole thing.

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

¹ Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
²     Worship the Lord with gladness;
    come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the Lord is God.
    It is he who made us, and we are his^[a];
    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
    and his courts with praise;
    give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

First thoughts: So what is the difference between Lord and God. Know that LORD is God? What does that mean?
So looked it up on google, ha. But they don't seem that helpful. LORD is definitely YHWH in Greek (what we say Yahweh nowadays) and that is the most sacred, holy name of God. Every other "name of God" is an attribute of God. I guess except for the "I am that I am" part. No wait. Okay, just read a couple more things. I am definitely not a scholar.
Here's a wiki link for important names of God. or Lord?
I still don't understand the difference, really, except that LORD is a..... ah wait. maybe a lightbulb moment.
Okay. God is God, meaning supreme being, creator of the universe. But LORD is his name. Only nowadays we have interchanged it all.
.... maybe makes sense.
Ha! Okay, more research done. LORD and Lord are both used in the Bible and they have different Greek words behind them. LORD is  YHWH and only referred to in the Old Testament for God the father (I think). But Lord is kurios and is used for Jesus in the New Testament.
But God hasn't really been defined. Hm. So apparently the Greek word for God is Theos. Which just means supreme being or all-powerful authority, I suppose.

Somewhat satisfied. Somewhat.

But nitpicky questions aside, I don't know. This is a verse that only matters when I sit down and meditate upon it. Otherwise I'd glance at it and turn back to whatever else I'm doing. I've heard this stuff a million times or so, I might be almost desensitized. The LORD is good and his love endures forever. Heck, it's a song. But it's these verses that I have to keep coming back to and keep reminding myself about when I have those moments of despair or Ecclesiastes the things of this earth are meaningless and is just a chasing after the wind. That the LORD is good and his love endures. That these things are not of no worth if it's for God.

And that last sentence: that his faithfulness continues through all generations. That struck me in a way that I've never thought about before because so often I'm questioning why, why does the sin of the father affect generations all the down to three generations later? What has the son done, how is that right? I mean, that's sort of answered in that the teachings of the father will usually be translated down to those three generations and then after that, diluted if not retaught or if there is no decisive mover-shaker again. But in reverse as well, God is faithful through all generations as well. To remind myself that God is good, his love endures all through these generations.

... these words are starting to not feel from the heart right now. Not sure if it's because I left for class and came back to finish this post or if it's because I haven't really meditated on the thought that God is a good, loving, faithful God.

Closed my eyes and tried meditating on it. I'm just feeling tired and sort of ah yeah God does love me. Thanks God.
So what. So what? God does love me, God is good, so what?
So that I do not need to be burdened by sins or despair anymore. That I have an ever lasting joy that I can cling to. That this life has more meaning than this.
What are all these phrases.....  I've written them here in this blog before and believed them with such passion.
But right now they just feel like words.

But there must be more than this.
There must be more than this.
Spirit of God, we wait for you.
Fill us anew we pray.

This is my song right now.

Lord,
Precious Father,
I come with faith - with hope and lay it all at your feet.
This tiredness... I lay it at your feet.
I pray to be renewed, to be filled anew.
Oh Lord, set me afire for you again.
In Jesus,
Amen.