Peace

I found peace again.
I prayed aloud for the first time in a very long time. It was awkward and a little strange as the words tumbled out of my mouth. How do I talk to God again? How does it go? Who is God to me?
These are the things I have to remember when I pray aloud rather than internally.
Who is God to me? That's what I always have to think about when I pray aloud.
Do I talk to him like a father, imagining that I am resting my head on his knee as I talk to him about my daily troubles and thoughts during the day.
Do I view him fearfully like a king with my life in his hands and a scale in the other, as I lift him up on high?
Do I see a friend that is always present, always there for me to confide?

Who is God to me? Because isn't he all of those things and at the same, not a single one of those things?

I pray and I pray awkwardly, wondering how I should be speaking. Sometimes I do imagine myself talking to a father, or to a friend, or to the King... but what is important is the heart, right? And I come earnestly to Him, always when I pray out loud.

This is my heart, Lord, I pray.
This is yours, I say.
All of me, I whisper - because I fear this phrase so much, so so much.
You are Almighty, I say with conviction.
In Jesus, I remind myself.
Amen.

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This is the daily verse I read today:
Proverbs 15:29
The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous

Somewhat fitting? Je ne sais pas. 

A verse from Romans that makes me want to just fall on my bed and say praise the Lord, praise the Lord God Almighty.
Romans 6: 6-7
For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. 

 This reminds me of my post a couple days ago on Optimism where I just don't understand sin in my life and how much faith (optimism?) has to be put in there to truly believe God takes these things away. But oh, isn't this so beautiful? So utterly, strikingly beautiful to read that anyong who has died has been set free from sin. That we are no longer slaves to sin. 

This is a reminder, dear past and future self, that because Jesus has died for us, because he was crucified, when we accept Christ into our hearts, we also die so that we are no longer slaves to sin. That I have been set free from sin. I am not chained, or tied down to the shackles of sin. The weight of sin -even that ever present sin that I can't seem to rid myself of- is not mine to bear because I have Jesus Christ.

This is a reminder that Christianity isn't a legalistic faith - where actions are stronger than Jesus. I don't have to beat myself over forgetting to update this blog, for not doing my devotionals or going to church, or meet up with girls, because Jesus. Because Jesus.

Belief in Christ set me free from sin and now I must put Him first. I am free from sin.
This is me remembering what grace is.
This is me putting shame and guilt aside and placing Christ in the foremost.

Why is this so beautiful? I can't even. Praise God, oh these words are so little to the passionate cry in my heart. Praise God! Praise God for He is! Praise God!