Ruth and Genesis

Reading through the Old Testament.

It's interesting because when going through the stories and even through the (sorta boring) genealogies, I start recognizing names. And they all point to Jesus.

Isn't it interesting? It's as if the Bible is chronicle of Jesus' ancestry. It really does tell the story of God! It's pretty amazing when I think it about it like that - like before it all happened, God already knew the people that would be a part of Jesus' birth. Incredible.

I still have problems reading through the OT though. I can't help myself from taking lines as is and just not being able to understand why.

Questions such as: how can God regret making mankind (Gen 6:6 ish) especially if he already has the foresight and all of that?

How can Lot so easily protect strangers (yes I know they are angels) and say, oh you can have my virgin daughters instead? (Gen 19:6-8) What in all blazes? Is this connected to the idea that we have to put Jesus before our mother and father? (Luke 14)

Luke 14
²⁵ Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

Sometimes OT boggles my mind because I can't understand it from my modern perspective. Sometimes I still have apologetic questions and I don't understand, which sometimes scares me because the idea of following someone I still don't understand makes me wonder if I am following blindly. Is it background? Is it parental influence? Is it selective blindness? 

And I'm a leader in my fellowship. I've been baptized for years. And I still have doubts. 

But it's times like these that I go back to what I know. I remind myself of the things that make the Bible so connected, remind myself of practical knowledge of knowledge Jesus did walk the earth, remind myself of the question of why the apostles would have such a marvelous change if Jesus were not resurrected from the dead, remind myself of the times I've felt God's presence, remind myself of the enormity of what Jesus did for me. 

I'm still searching for answers. Maybe it'll never be fully answered. Stuff like, why three? why not five or six? But I'm still looking, I'm still asking. As long as I don't sweep these under the rug, I know it won't be blind.

And it is about faith. Ruth had faith. Abraham had faith. It's ridiculous the things they did in faith. But it all did work out well for God's glory. So faith.

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Personal corner.
It's been hard lately. I'm going through that phase where I think no one can understand - even obviously that's never the case. But it still feels like that. And when I think about opening up to people, I want to curl up in bed and ignore the world. 
I'm scared of being open with my fears and problems because I think it's embarrassing. I don't want  to fail, I don't want to be seen as anything less than who I want to be, I don't want prying eyes into my life. I don't want judgement.
It's a trap. It's a trap because these are all the things that keep me from relying on community - and Christianity is never run by yourself. It's trap. I know. I've fallen in it before. But look at me, I'm doing it again. But I'm only human and God breaks me over and over.
And let me tell you, it hurts. Breaking is never easy.
I'm clinging to God right now, but I'm still hiding away. Look at me, don't I look fine? 
Tomorrow I will be meeting up with my accountability partner. I guess the first thing I'll say will probably be something like... I'm not fine. Won't you listen why?

This is my song of right now:
this